Race To The Finish

I have moved!

2011-07-12T08:24:00.003-05:00

Still trying to figure out how to fix wordpress layouts, but for now, let me introduce you to my new site:

http://dudeitsesther.blogspot.com

When all is said and done.

2010-10-01T08:24:00.003-05:00

Keep flaunting. Keep strutting. Rub it in my face for all I care. Good to know you have a new belle to show. But guess what: I simply do not give a damn.

I'm happy with my life. I enjoy its pace and direction. I don't need some random ex to ruin everything for me because I have moved on and I am more than contented enough with my new beau.

That's that. That's the way it's going to be.

That is the question.

2010-10-01T06:38:00.006-05:00

I was in a daze as the week went by. I garnered excellent test scores in my Filipino class but did very shabbily in my first quiz in Chemistry, sad to say. Most of my classes have been rather dull. One particular subject teaches us about the life and works of J. P. Rizal (I still cannot fathom why and how he became our national hero) and I witnessed most of my classmates on the verge of slipping into a coma.

I am very grateful for my iTouch, because it has helped me survive the extremely boring lectures and wordy sermons of my professors. The girls in front of me were actually doodling at the back of their notebooks. One classmate of mine fell asleep, and there was a speck of drool on his paper when he had awakened. Yes, that's how my week went. Not much of a thrill.

I visited my boyfriend today and I enjoyed myself. I am hoping that he had a marvellous time too. Out of boredom, I explored Facebook and I was tagged by one of my friends to audition for the music ministry of our church. Ah, audition. Such a frightening word. I can still recall the many times I had to audition for dancing, singing, and acting-- how my breath would be all shaky, how my hands would be cold and clammy, and how my knees would buckle as I stood before the panel.

I can sing, I can carry a tune. I have taken voice lessons from professionals-- but can I handle the stage fright? I remember how my previous auditions went: not very good. I need to learn how to stop being nervous because I do things terribly. And, well, I am just really afraid of getting rejected.

To audition or to not audition? I have two weeks to think about it.

2010-09-29T06:39:00.003-05:00

Today is the third week of second term.

First term ended during the start of September, and I can just write so much about it. I have fulfilled my duties as the class president, as well as my tasks as a student on scholarship. So far, I have stellar grades and a scintillating record as an officer. I am currently a Dean's Lister and an honor student.

The remaining months of first term have been rocky for me. I was constantly under pressure and I carried the burden of looking after my classmates and reminding them of the current requirements needed to be submitted. I can still recall those times I broke down while trying to study for a test because I just didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't know how to handle the stress since I was still testing the waters. My acquiescence was visible, and I was prepared to raise that white flag of resignation.

But it was not the end. Time management and symmetry were acquired. I learned how to segregate my problems and thoughts, which resulted to a good conduct, excellent grades, prosperous friendships, and a budding relationship with my boyfriend.

I'm on to my second term now, and my subjects and schedule are more arduous and burdensome. Sleepless nights due to excessive studying are part of my lifestyle now, as well as reading 3 chapters per subject in a day.

I would normally respond to all the stress and pressure in a belligerent manner, but I realized that you get nothing from your acrimonious remarks. I want to see the glass half full, so I'm done being impatient and negative all the time.

The second term has begun, but it doesn't really matter how you commence, but how you finish. College is indeed a survival of the fittest, and only the strong-willed live.

2010-09-29T06:04:00.000-05:00

Uninspired. Uninterested. Everything UN.

Second thoughts.

2010-09-03T07:35:00.002-05:00

It's been so long since I last figure skated, and I can say that I'm starting to miss it now. I was looking at my ice skates earlier, and they still look new, untouched, and hardly broken in.

Skating was more than a sport to me-- It was the perfect release of my emotions and everything I'm feeling deep inside. I love it because, well, it keeps me cold. And it just calms me. I'm thinking of going back and pursuing it.

But then maybe I'm just scared.

A happy Thursday for me!

2010-09-02T04:58:00.003-05:00

Finally! Term break begins today.

So what if it's only for a week? So what if it's too short? So what if we're the only school on break? Hahaha this is where the whole "beggars can't be choosers" come in. I've been begging for a break ever since college began. Life is really stressful in school, and only the strong-willed survive.

I went to school today to submit my English portfolio, then I went to Ateneo to visit Espa after. It was so much fun. We had lunch and Wicked Oreos for dessert (if you haven't tried it, I swear, you're missing half your life) then we went to watch CAT practice in the high school field. I had so much fun, and I hope Espa enjoyed too.

Today was just amazing, and I finally got to experience a happy Thursday. Looking forward to my one week vacation, and I can't complain, because it's better than nothing--oh and the fact that I got my schedule for next term and we still don't have classes during Fridays. Oh yeah!

The worst is finally over.

2010-09-01T05:41:00.003-05:00

-- At least for now.

Exams ended, and I couldn't be any happier. I spent the whole weekend studying and sleeping late. I was really relieved when I found out that I was exempted from the Sociology exam. Unfortunately, we had no exemptions for Math and Science, so I was forced to review and memorize all my notes.

It's finally done, and I hope I make the cut. I can't say I didn't do my part, because I know I really worked extra hard this term. I can finally relax and just hang around for awhile. Thank goodness.

A not-so-happy Thursday

2010-08-25T20:49:00.003-05:00

I stayed up all night trying to finish my English major paper, so I was exhausted after that. When I woke up this morning, I realized that I was gonna be late for school because my clock had malfunctions. So I had to rush and fifteen minutes later, I was on my way to school.

I was 30 minutes late for Algebra, and I was super tired that I had a hard time staying up. My eyes were red and burning, and I couldn't wear my contacts because my eyes were so dry. After that, we computed for my raw grade and turns out, to maintain a 3.0, I had to get an 88% in the final exam. Why 88%? Because my grade in the last quiz was really really really low due to carelessness and confusion with the signs.

Because of all the stress and pressure, I rarely have time to relax and slack. I don't even get to hang out with my blockmates anymore. Either I'm rushing to the library or cramming extra-credit stuff. First term is almost over, and most of my blockmates are bonded already. I can't help but feel left out, and I'm not really sure who to hang out with.

During my spare time, I feel bad because I'm missing out and I don't have enough time to cultivate friendships with my classmates. But because of all the pressure, I am forced to shut down my social life and worry about my grades.

I wish I were more smart, more clever, and more diligent. I have a classmate who is so good at everything, and she hardly ever studies. She's both inclined academically and extra-curricularly, if there's such word. It comes natural to her, and I can't help but wish that I were smarter too.

In DLSU, we have no classes on Friday so we celebrate this thing called "Happy Thursday". Usually, people use this day to go out or drink or party to unwind from the week's worth of stress. Unfortunately for me, I spend my Thursdays hitting the books or sleeping. LOL I am such a loser.

Today's been terrible, and well, it's not really a "Happy Thursday" for me. I need a miracle. I need a break. Buzz kill.

2010-08-24T02:00:00.003-05:00

I know I've said this for the umpteenth time,

But I just want to let the whole world know

How much I miss my long hair--

And that chopping it off is one of my greatest regrets.

Problem with consistency.

2010-08-23T21:19:00.004-05:00

I stayed up all night studying for this Math exam that contained certain topics I couldn't quite understand. I honestly didn't see the point of the lesson, or why they were making us learn it. It's not like we need it in life. After three straight hours of tremendous reviewing, I finally collapsed and went to bed, leaving my fate in the hands of the Math gods.

To my disappointment, I found the test tricky. Sure, I was able to answer a bunch of items, but in the last number, I got confused and made a mistake with the signs and computations, and I am therefore aware that I may not get a perfect score, or at least a very high one. That's about 5% down the drain.

Since I am currently under scholarship (my dad's company pays for my tuition), I am obliged to maintain at least a 3.0 in all my subjects. If I get a 2.5.. Well, let's not go there. So you obviously know the pressure and stress I go through. It's 2x the load an average student carries, and I have a double-degree course, so it's more than usual.

I'm already plotting ways on how to pull my Math grade up. I have good grades so far, but I need to stay consistent. Basically, I need to work harder, and since I'm vying for honors, I have to do awesome in my exams.

So here I am in the library, studying as we speak. This term is almost over, and on the 8th of September, I'll know my ranking.

Survival

2010-08-23T01:11:00.002-05:00

It's been two months since I last posted. I haven't had the time, and everything is just fast-paced. I'm swamped, and practically every week, I have to write a new paper for English. Long exams and other quizzes have been a total pain in the rear. Debate, choir practice, and other extracurriculars have dominated most of my free time, and I barely have enough time for myself.

I've had my fair share of sleepless nights, all-nighters, and violet-y eye bags. I've indulged in one too many cups of coffee, along with those familiar cold glass bottles of cherry-flavored Red Bull. It's amazing, it's already the end of August. It's Finals week for us, then first term will be over.

I can still recall my very first day in college. I learned that first impressions do really matter here, and that sometimes, people aren't whom you expected them to be. People aren't static, they are dynamic. They change, they conform, they adapt, and more importantly, they judge.

I don't like the fact that most of my school mates still try to bring high school into college. I don't understand why majority are forced to obey the status quo, or the ridiculous 'social hierarchy' they have bestowed.

I also realized that true friends are rare, and once you find them, you better hold on to them and cherish them. In college, there are those who cannot be trusted, simply because they have their ulterior motives.

Basically, college is for the strong-willed. It is where only the fit survive. If you're weak, then it is not the place for you. In order to belong, you must be tough strong enough to will your tears to take the hint and come back later when you're all alone in the last cubicle of the lavatory.

I'm back.

2010-07-09T05:40:00.003-05:00

I haven't blogged for three months, but I resolved to post at least one entry per week to develop my writing skills and to give updates.

I'm finally in college! Freshman ID number 110, and educated by one of the most prestigious educational institutions in the Philippines. A lot has happened in my life. I have shorter hair now, a new Macbook Pro, new clothes, a new boyfriend, and most importantly, a brand new life.

College is nothing like high school. No cliques, no social hierarchy, and you can walk around campus alone. So far, I have good professors and well-maintained grades. I was elected class president, and I'm currently in the running of becoming a Dean's Lister, which requires at least a 3.0 in all my subjects.

High school has molded me well. I can balance and manage my time, despite all the stress and school work I'm bombarded with each day. Midterms start next week, and I'm really determined to be the best. I am struggling in Filipino though, because, well, it has always been my kryptonite (aside from Science) and I hope that I can get a 3.5.

Nostalgia

2010-03-11T05:53:00.004-06:00

Take me away

To better days.

Lead me to paradise;

Far away from

This place.

I miss America ;;
I miss Los Angeles.

I miss New York City.

I miss New Jersey.

Legacy of the Aces

2010-03-08T04:36:00.004-06:00

We had our Graduation Ball last Saturday, and it was sooo fun! Our theme was Las Vegas, and they magically transformed our convention hall into a really good setting. The food was excellent, especially the chocolate-covered Strawberries. The cocktails were also delicious, and the dance floor was just spectacular.

I went with my best friend, Joaquin Nacpil, and I can't thank him enough for going with me. ALL IN FOR THE LAST WIN!

Here are some pictures, but you can access all the photos through Facebook, if and only if you're my contact. If not, well.. I guess you're limited here. Better yet, add me if i know you. :)

Take care, everyone! And have a good night.

So it begins

2010-02-17T05:54:00.004-06:00

Major hell week. I feel the stress, the pressure, and the load.

Honestly, I don't understand why teachers decide to make the students accomplish tons of "last-minute" requirements during the last few days of school. They always always do that during the final quarter, and it's exhausting.

So far, I'm done with most of my homework and my English major essay. I'm almost finished with my Math summative, and I've started reviewing for Math. Our 4th quarter exams are really rigorous because they include the topics from the previous quarters so not only do you have to study for the 4th quarter topics, but you also have to study the things discussed during the first three quarters. This is killing me.

I really do hope I make the cut. My last goal for my senior year is to finish the quarter with honors. Lord, please help me.

I can hardly wait for summer! I have so much activities, and I already made a list of the things I want to do in my planner. I plan to continue my figure skating lessons and eventually compete in 2-3 months, then I also want to pursue Soccer so I'm going back to training. Then I have voice lessons and street dancing lessons. I also plan to enroll in this Speech & Debate Workshop my mom recommended.

I'm going to be sooo busy, but at the same time it's going to be fun. I'm so excited. I'm also excited for college! I'm still praying for my school, because I don't know which university to enroll in. I'm trapped, because I love all the courses I chose, especially the one I picked in CSB: Major in Consular and Diplomatic Studies. Awesome, right?

For now, I have to focus on our finals. Laborious week. Ugh.

The last quarter

2010-02-16T05:35:00.002-06:00

Today was a ~~fairytale~~ spectacular day!

I really enjoyed school and we had a debate in CL. Okay, maybe the topic was really lame (about girls being permitted to enter priesthood) and yes, we were on the losing side because we were assigned to favor the topic.

Of course, the opposition had the advantage, but I believed in miracles, and I believed that all was not lost. So the debate began.

To make the long story short, I was the last person standing, and I was the whip! I brought down the opposition, and I felt sooo proud! Proud in a happy way, and not in an arrogant way. It was really difficult since they had the upperhand, but I refused to give up and I tried to remember all the rights of a human being and how those rights can be applicable to the subject we were defending.

It just felt really good because I was able to contradict the opposition with excellence, so yeah. Case closed. Anyway, it's hell week for us. Since we're seniors, we take our finals earlier than the other levels since the next month will be dedicated to graduation practices. So we have a bajillion requirements due this week, plus exams are next week.

I'm trying to do my best in everything, and I'm trying to give my all since I really really want to end my last quarter with honors, so I'm hoping to get a B+ in all my subjects, even in French. I will do my best to pull up my grades and to graduate with remarkable results.

So help me God.

Epic fail

2010-02-15T01:07:00.005-06:00

I woke up at 7:15 this morning and I was panicking because I was really really late for school. I guess I overslept and I forgot to set my alarm and everything.

So I got ready in complete turbo mode, running around, trying to put on my uniform and eat breakfast at the same time. Believe it or not, I was ready 15 minutes later. Then I realized it didn't matter, because I was already late as it is.

I got in the car and I was prepared to receive a tardy slip from the beadle. I kept praying for a miracle, because for one thing, I wasn't looking forward to go to school.

First of all, today is a Monday, so we have P.E. and French. P.E.'s not so bad, except for the fact that we have to learn all sorts of foreign dances, like the Irish dance which makes you jump and gallop at the same time. In French, however, we have to learn certain conjugations that are quite tricky, and frankly, nobody understands the lesson. So yeah, I really hate Mondays.

So anyway, school is just 5-10 minutes away. When we got to the entrance, the main gate was closed and there was a guard sitting outside.

Guard: Can I help you?
Me: Uh.. Yeah, could you please tell me why the gate is closed?
Guard: Why are you even here? No classes today.
Me: *Silence*
Guard: Um, hello?
Me: Are you serious?
Guard: *Looks stunned*
Me: Okay, I get it. Thank you!

Now that's what I call an EPIC FAIL. How embarrassing! Turns out, we had the day off since we had our school fair last weekend. That's what I got for not paying attention in school. My dad couldn't stop laughing at me, and I felt sooo silly!

♥

2010-02-13T22:10:00.003-06:00

I had an awesome weekend, and I have sooo much to tell!

Yesterday was the 13th of February. I woke up early in the morning for my figure skating lessons. I got a new pair of white skates, and though they're really stiff and I still need to break them in, I'm really happy with them. I can't wait to master all the moves and eventually compete.

When I got to MOA, Brianna and Anton were there. So we all went skating and it was so much fun! We said our goodbyes after skating and I went home to get ready for Nigel's birthday celebration. When I got to Nigel's house, we all went swimming for awhile then proceeded to have dinner in a Korean restaurant along Libis.

Nigel reserved a private room for us and we were so noisy! Everyone in the Brotherhood came, and I had a great time. We had plenty of food, mixed jokes, and shared laughter. I really love each and every single one of my friends, because they complete my life. :)

We walked to Eastwood after and we just stayed there until it was time for everyone to go home.

Another reason why my weekend is so close to perfect is because, well, today is Valentine's Day. I never really considered this day as a holiday. I usually found it as an excuse for people to spend money on roses, chocolates, and whatnot. But anyway, someone (I won't mention who) surprised me with a single red rose wrapped beautifully. I really really appreciate it, and thank you so so much! If you're reading this (you know who you are), I want to let you know that I kept the rose in a vase with water so it wouldn't wilt. I hope it lasts forever.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!
XOXO

Summer thoughts

2010-02-11T07:33:00.007-06:00

AFTER GRAD BALL , I WANT TO CUT MY HA I R SUPER SHORT. WHADDYA TH I NK? :)

Foul mood

2010-02-11T01:16:00.004-06:00

I didn't go to school today because I was really exhausted. I broke down again this afternoon realizing that the week's drama has finally caught up with me. Well, I thought I was over it, apparently not.

I ~~wish~~ want to could take a break from this world. I'm not really in an optimistic mood. I've been so cranky and depressed. The reason why I'm in an awful mood is because I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

~~I am just so screwed.~~ Everything in my life is on hold, but the world is going on without me. I need to process my thoughts, because things have been going really ugly.

Lord, can you hear me? I need a miracle. :(

A sense of superiority

2010-02-10T06:21:00.005-06:00

"Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don't go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won't laugh at you." --Jim Rohn

What is/are the main reason/s I don't ask God for His blessings?

Pride.

There we go. I have to shamefully admit that I am proud most of the time. I am very patriotic and defensive, and I take my rights seriously, hence, I would like my rights to be respected as much as possible.

Sometimes, I think too highly of myself. I have this sense of preponderance.

To be honest, I live for justice. I started reading the Philippine Constitution at a young age, and I actually had dreams of becoming a lawyer to alleviate inequity. I've always wanted to join our debate team, but I'm already into figure skating and soccer, so I really don't have much time.

I don't ask God to shower my life with blessings because I am too arrogant to do so. I sometimes feel terrible, because I believe that certain things are rightfully mine, when they were never mine to begin with.

Having a sense of pride hinders me from talking to God. Everytime I pray, my perfectionist attitude takes over and I believe that I shouldn't make any mistakes while praying, and that every word and sentence I say must be outstanding and grammatically correct. But you see, it doesn't work that way.

God wants a humble heart. He wants us to depend on Him, because all we really have is Him. We are people, and let's face it: human nature. We are not perfect, but He is. And in order to obtain His blessings, we must come before Him on our knees (figuratively) and ask with humility. I need to work on this area, and hopefully I will learn to let go of my proud and imperious mindset.

A leap of Faith

2010-02-09T04:42:00.004-06:00

Dear God, I need to talk to you...

Lord, please help me see what a lavish feast of Your blessing would really look like in my life, and how it would change me for Your glory.

Yesterday, I looked at how much You wanted to bless me. Today, please help me realize how much is rightfully mine, if I will claim it. I haven't had an awesome 2010, and I see myself standing on the edge at the end of my rope.

They said that if you go too far in one direction, you'll find yourself on the other side. Maybe I got too much of the great things and not much of the bad. I wish I could be more open-handed and optimistic. I need to make a commitment: to respond in Faith.

I really should believe that my loving maker wants what's best for me, and sometimes I just don't see it or feel it. But I know that in those times when I can't seem to find God, I rest in the assurance that He knows how to find me.

I should develop my personal relationship with Him, rather than just seeing Him as the distant supreme-being. He is far more than that and all my life, He has been waiting for me to surrender everything to Him.

Unfortunately, I've been withholding myself, to the point where He removed everything I clung unto, just to get my attention. Poor Lord, sometimes I tend to be so ignorant and insensitive. How horrid of me.

Lord, I am hear, Estoy Aqui. I'm ready to develop my relationship with you, no strings attached.

To Brianna

2010-02-08T04:04:00.004-06:00

I would like to thank Brianna Anson for her sincerity and encouragement.

She's one of the people who stood by my side, encouraging me day by day, and she was just there for me.

Bri, I thank God for allowing our paths to meet. At first, I thought you were just the superficial type of person. Then again, first impressions can be deceiving.

Thank you so much for always always being there. Hopefully I get to encourage you in the future, because you deserve a lot. And I pray that our friendship will last to infinity and beyond. LOL.

Love you Bri!

White flag

2010-02-08T00:40:00.004-06:00

What is my portrait of God? Which of God's personality attributes do my actions prove are the most important to me? Which are the least important?

As of today, I feel absolutely lost and insecure. Life has turned its tables on me, and God has removed and taken everything from me. But to come to think of it, they weren't mine to begin with. How silly of me.

Everything I have are simply privileges, and I'm really ashamed of this proud attitude of mine. Maybe I don't know my maker completely. I think of him as a genie. I don't really see him as my Savior, Father, and King. I don't feel or see his grace, mercy, faithfulness, and compassion. I see him as a kill-joy, someone jealous, and this huge enigma.

But perhaps it is because I don't know him at all, and I don't understand. It's about time I put my complete faith and trust in him, even though everything seems futile. I am absolutely sorry, because of my negative spirit that has hindered me from growing and getting to know my Father.

This is going to be hard on my part because I recommitted myself and I'm sure that Satan will do whatever it takes to bring me down and stray me away from the right path I've chosen to take.

Lord, please help me. I need your strength, guidance, and assurance. I have surrendered and I am giving my life back to you. Mold me, use me, walk beside me. Abba Father have your will. I love you, Lord. Please help me.

Crossroads

2010-02-03T21:49:00.002-06:00

It's been so long since I last published an entry. Life has been really hectic for me. Every single day, I'm always on my feet-- always on the go.

I experienced a lot. I recently turned 18, got some birthday cash that would inevitably end up in my savings account, and got some entrance test results. Right now, I am in a difficult situation that even I cannot seem to fathom.

Life turned its tables on me, and I am trapped psychologically, emotionally, and mentally. I don't know how to go about this problem of mine. Everything's turning out rather unexpectedly, and I am sad to say that for the next few months, there'll most probably be no rejoicing on my part.

I wish that people would understand. I am devastated, and sometimes human beings can be so cruel and judgemental. Maybe I should just continue with my USA plan. I don't belong in the Philippines anyway-- I never belonged to begin with. I can't seem to penetrate with most people.

This is one of those moments wherein I am facing crossroads, wondering what I should do. Oh, whattodo whattodo whattodo..

Bandwagon

2010-01-11T03:25:00.002-06:00

I succumbed to Bandwagon, and I finally have my very own Facebook account. Add me up if you know me, and if I know you. LOL.

Here's the link.

Enjoy! Oh and please keep praying that I make it to the Universities I want. I will try to blog more often. Thanks!

2nd CET result

2010-01-03T05:41:00.003-06:00

I woke up early Saturday morning since my phone started vibrating nonstop. I opened my inbox and turns out, the DLSU-CET results were out and everyone was buzzing about it.

I ran to the computer, googled the website, and entered my reference number. After a few moments, the page finally loaded.

Long story short, I MADE IT! I PASSED DE LA SALLE UNIVERSITY WITH THE COURSE OF MY FIRST CHOICE! Thank you Lord!

Now, I am waiting for the ACET and UPCAT results. I am praying with all my might that I make it to the First Passers List of Ateneo with a course of AB Psychology.

Anyway, I just wanted to blog about my DLSU results. I have to go and finish the remnants of my homework. School starts tomorrow. Ugh crud.

Last day of 2009

2009-12-31T03:07:00.003-06:00

Today's December 31st, the last day of 2009. In a way, it's peculiar because it's the month of December, yet the weather feels like one of those hot and humid summer days.

I sit here and blog, looking back at my 2009. I remember those various predicaments I had, as well as the painful endeavors I've endured. Throughout those 12 months, I encountered mean school mates, stupid boys, my first A in French, challenging entrance tests, my first foreign fling, and of course, betrayal.

To be honest, I had a terrible year. Majority of the events that occurred were insidious, and those situations left me heartache, trouble, emotional stress, and a few friends. So many tears I've shed, and I didn't have much people to rely on.

It was really difficult for me, because I couldn't trust anyone, and everyday in St. Paul made me feel like I was walking on egg shells. I was dependent on the moods of my peers, and I hate to admit it, but my grades did fluctuate.

For year 2010, I would like a fresh beginning.

I am praying that the Lord would redeem me and vindicate me over my enemies, by granting the noble desires of my heart. I am praying that I would see my name on the Passers List of Ateneo De Manila. I am also praying for my plans in America, that I would get a score of 2000 in the SAT, and impress the following schools: CCM, Brown, Duke, Columbia, Rutgers, and University of Wisconsin. I am also begging the Lord for provisions, and that I would touch the hearts of the members of our district's rotary club for my scholarship application.

More importantly, I am praying that I do make it to Ateneo. I know that God is in control of everything, and I am praying that he will have mercy on me and that he will extend his grace and redeem me. I want Ateneo more than anything.

6 hours and 30 minutes left in this day, and it will soon be 2010. I am requesting for a better year, not necessarily a smooth sailing year, but something better than my lousy 2009. Lord, please hear my pleas, and please grant my heart's desires. I am keeping my fingers crossed, praying with all my might that I make it to Ateneo.

The Prayer

2009-12-29T00:53:00.003-06:00

Lord God, please please have mercy on me and allow me to get into Ateneo De Manila. Results are on Sunday, and I would be really really grateful once I see my name on the list. Please please please vindicate me and give me another chance.

I am also praying for my SAT next year, and that you would give me provisions to go to CCM then hopefully transfer to Brown, Duke, Columbia, Rutgers, or University of Wisconsin after, but most importantly, please allow me to pass Ateneo, my number one school in the Philippines.

Also, please help me win the hearts of the members of the district's Rotary Club so that one of them will be kind enough to sponsor me and take care of all the expenses in America.

These are the desires of my heart, and I lift them up to you. Please do extend your abundant grace and mercy.

Amen.

1st result of my CET

2009-12-23T22:29:00.003-06:00

I just finished brushing my teeth when my mom knocked on the bathroom door, holding an envelope in her hand. She told me to open it, and I was curious, wondering if the mail had come from the US.

Turns out, it was from the University of Asia and the Pacific, otherwise known as UA&P. It's a school that specializes in business and corporation. Definitely not for me, because I plan to major in Political Science and History.

So anyway, I opened the envelope and retrieved the letter inside. It began with 'Dear Esther Batungbacal. Congratulations!....' so to make the long story short, I passed. I passed! Okay, I know that if I were to study in the Philippines, I'd choose Ateneo. I mean, I am praying for Ateneo. But I am thrilled in a way, because the first result of my CET declared that I passed.

It'd be terrible if the first letter I retrieved said 'FAILED' in big block letters. It's a start. Progress. And UA&P's not so bad. But I'm praying for Ateneo. And CCM. And Rutgers. And Brown.

Lord, please help me pass Ateneo, CCM, Rutgers, and Brown. Thank you for allowing me to pass UA&P. I am grateful, but my heart is not in UA&P. It's in Ateneo or the schools in the East coast of America. Please also give us provisions. Please please please.

Goals for 2010

2009-12-22T22:21:00.002-06:00

To do list:

1. Get a job

2. Start personalizing my 2010 planner

3. Review for the SAT

4. Save enough money for NJ

5. Continue voice lessons

6. Continue piano lessons

7. Get fit and gain 10 LBS

8. Start learning how to drive

9. Be a better person

10. Be the best

Hung up

2009-12-21T01:35:00.005-06:00

First-- I couldn't get you out of my mind. Now, I can't get you out of my heart. The happiness came and went. Within seconds it passed. I didn't know it was possible to break a promise so fast.

I don't want to hear you say that I will understand someday, I don't wanna hear you say we both have grown in a different way, I don't wanna start over again, I just want my life to be the same, just like it used to be. Some days I hate everything. Everyone and everything.

As I stand here tonight and look up at the huge sky filled with all those stars, and I think of you. I think of the times we were together and I think of the times we looked up at that very same sky. Then I realized how much I miss you. I thought I could get through it, I thought I would be okay. But how can I be? Without you, I stand alone. In this huge world, I stand alone.

And it finally hit me that you didn't care when you walked away-- and never looked back.

Take me away

2009-12-19T22:19:00.003-06:00

I've been so temperamental lately. My mood has been so capricious that I constantly have to pause and process the day's drama.

I may have transgressed. I tend to lash out and rant and complain and be so so pessimistic that you'll always encounter my negative side. I don't understand what's wrong with me, or what I'm stressing on, because I'm supposed to be relaxing instead of having this anxious feeling knotted at the pit of my stomach.

I do hate the sporadic rain, and the terrible humid air that makes my hair really frizzy and tangled. I've been breaking out too, so much zits to fuss over. I detest the polluted air. It clings unto my pores like fly paper.

Perhaps I do miss America. I miss the cold weather, and it rarely rains there. It's never humid too, and I don't get much zits either. I miss the people there, and I just wish that I didn't have to live here. I want to go back.

I'm already going to start working for my dad's office, and I do hope that I earn enough money for plane fare and living expenses and college tuition and other school supplies. I am determined to fulfill my plans, because this is my future we're talking about.

I want the best for me, and it's not in the Philippines. It's in America.

Lord, please take me there.

Better together

2009-12-18T21:24:00.004-06:00

Yesterday, I went to Eastwood with Liza and we decided to stay in Starbucks.

We talked about our future, and all the solid plans we've made. Our conversation was very propitious, and I got really excited when I found out she kept a planner too! I enjoyed talking to her, because not only do we have so much in common, but we're also very determined and dilligent.

We were able to talk about living expenses, apartments, college opportunities, and the like. I'm glad we got to hang out, because I really liked our conversation. After that, we went to pick up Tal and we all went to Ateneo for their annual Christmas party.

It was so much fun! The food was sooo good, and I relished the camaraderie. We were with the Brotherhood, and I ran into OC too! I miss her, and I wish her happy birthday. She turned 17 yesterday.

After the Christmas party, we all went to Eastwood. I rode with Anton, Bri, Drei, and Liza. It was a long car ride, full of jokes, laughter, and not-so-clean fun. Still, it was an experience. When we got there, we went to Fullybooked! I was so happy, because I do love bookstores, and I plan to work in one.

Being with the Brotherhood makes me feel at ease. I don't need to prove myself. It's like I'm welcome anytime, and there's always expected fun and laughter, and I take pride in being one of them. Who needs other people when you have the coolest true friends in the whole wide world?

Wish list

2009-12-16T22:40:00.002-06:00

Things I want for Christmas/18th birthday:

1. Laptop (Preferrably Dell or Toshiba. A Macbook is too impossible.)
2. College Funds
3. Funds for NJ
4. Funds for driving lessons
5. God's approval to send me to NJ CCM on or before September.

Once upon a time

2009-12-16T06:36:00.003-06:00

A thousand words couldn't bring you back, I know because I've tried. Neither could a thousand tears, I know because I've cried. You left behind a broken heart and happy memories too. But I never wanted memories, I only wanted you.

Somehow the conversation mentioned your name. And someone asked if I knew you. Looking away I thought of all the times we had together; sharing laughter, tears, jokes, and tons more. And then, without explanation you were gone. I looked to where they were waiting for an answer, and then said softly, 'Once, I thought I did'.

Before I met you, I was always considered the strong one, the one who never got hurt; I could do anything and never fall. I felt like I was the epitome of invincibility; of confidence. Now you've come along, you've broken my heart, and you've shaken me from that really strong foundation that I had spent years constructing. I found out more about myself than I ever had before. I found that my foundation wasn't as strong as I thought it was -- I realized that love isn't all it's cracked up to be -- and I found that this time, maybe I won't be able to get back up quite so easily.

I've seen this all before. It's like a reoccurring dream, only with different people. It's the same script with a different cast. The same heartbreak, with a different person causing the pain. Only, I'm still the one ending up heartbroken.

So maybe you were special, and maybe you were supposed to be the one, but then again maybe you were just like the rest of them, only you took my heart with you when you left.

One more to go

2009-12-15T22:48:00.003-06:00

Physics was deadlyyyy.

Honestly, I had so much blanks and unsure answers. Gosh, I really detest Physics. Or any form of Science. I love Math. English is my forte, and the English exam earlier was really easy, and I enjoyed answering it.

Anyway, I just realized that I have to stop spending! I've been eating nonstop lately, and if I want to go and live in NJ, I should spend less. Arg, so too much temptations.

At least the difficult exams are over. Tomorrow's just Religion, meh. Piece of cake.

2 down, 2 more

2009-12-14T21:04:00.001-06:00

Math was.. normal. Easy yet somewhat difficult. Economics was the bomb. E-A-S-Y, awww yeah!

Tomorrow's exams are English, Research, and Physics. Oh God, Physics.

Lord, please give me strength.

1 down, 3 to go

2009-12-14T06:42:00.001-06:00

Filipino was brutal. French was fabulous.

Tomorrow's Math and Economics. Lord, please help me ace the exams. Please allow the questions to be absolutely sucky and easy.

Amen.

All systems go!

2009-12-13T07:47:00.003-06:00

I can't believe it, I finally finished reading El Filibusterismo! It was an interesting story, quite exciting actually. The ending was just pathetic (in my opinion) but at least I'm done with it now.

I'm almost done reviewing for French, and I do hope I do well in my exams tomorrow. I really need to pull up my grades and get a really high average. My future's at stake here.

Anyway, I felt absolutely pleased when my parents told me that they were in favor of 'Operation Independence'. They said that they wanted me to discover the world and what lies beyond the borders of our country.

They said that they were going to open a seperate bank account in Chase, so that it would start growing and that by the time Liza and I arrive in New Jersey, we would be off to a great start. Living expenses are really high, so we would have to work really hard to make ends meet.

It's a challenge, but I'm up for it. I am thrilled that my parents are on my side, because I really need their support and approval. It feels great, because I feel their love, and I know that they want the best for me.

I pray that the Lord allows everything to happen, and that he would give us the funds by next year so I can enroll on time. I can't believe it, this is so exciting!

Brotherhood made me forget

2009-12-12T06:34:00.003-06:00

Last night, I went to Ateneo to watch a performance of faculty and students called 'Igkas'.

It was very patriotic, and they gave honor to all the Historical events that happened in the Philippines.

But Igkas was obviously not the best part. The Brotherhood and I went to Shakey's to have dinner. It was sooo fun! We played Truth or Dare, Spin the Bottle, and Tic-tac-toe. We were so noisy, and people kept staring, but who cares!

When you're with your friends, it feels awesome. Shared laughter, cracked jokes, and just clean fun. For a moment, I forgot all about.. him. I guess I'm not over him yet. And I think about him all the time. During dinner, I didn't think of him at all. But when the night was over, I was back to my brokenhearted self.

I wonder if I ever cross his mind. 'Cause he's always always in my head.

Here's to everything

2009-12-09T08:52:00.007-06:00

"Back up, did you forget everything?

'Cause I was there when you said Forever & Always.."

"Forever and Always" by Taylor Swift is on default on my iPod. I can't stop listening to it, because it is the perfect post-heartbreak song.

It's been 2 weeks and 3 days. I guess I just miss him. Lies, all lies...

Sigh.

Prioritizing

2009-12-09T06:34:00.002-06:00

It's been 6 months since I last hung out with my old BFFs.

I remember the good old days when we would do everything together. It's so funny because all of a sudden, the past seems like a faded memory.

I used to be affected because they're in the same section, whereas I am in another section far far away. I would feel left out whenever they'd make plans with other people and not include me, or worse, talk about those plans right in front of me.

I guess I've been through a lot, and it's only now that I have recovered. I learned to let go, and whenever I'd see them, I don't really care anymore. I am grateful for that, because I am able to focus on my studies more, and I don't really think about my social life now.

I was able to let go and rise above my pain. It took 6 months for me to heal. I don't really care anymore about grad ball or parties or any forms of socializing. I am thinking about my future, and all the wonderful plans Liza and I have.

Since I am able to concentrate now, I perfected my Physics quiz earlier. My teacher was really surprised that I had complete notes, and that I was able to ace the quiz despite my 1-month absence.

I feel relieved that there's progress in my school life, and that there's still hope for me to be an honor student for the remaining 2 quarters. I thank God for helping me, and for enabling me to focus more.

I believe that he planted these desires in my heart, and that he gives me the strength I need to set my priorities straight. I am hoping to come upon various scholarships that will help me with my college life in New Jersey.

Don't stop believing

2009-12-08T07:42:00.006-06:00

I accomplished many things today.

I am done studying for both Math and Physics. I understand the topics, and all I need is a bit of polishing and reviewing.

I absolutely have no idea how to study for Filipino (yuck, El Filibusterismo), Research (arg thesis), Economics, and CL. Yes, even CL. I am definitely cramming, and though I hate it, I have to do it.

I wish I didn't have to go back. My mom's friend said that I can enroll in Upland in the middle of the school year. All I have to do is keep up with their pace, which seems fairly easy after learning about their curriculum.

I miss America. Though I was born in the Philippines, I do believe that deep inside, I was never a Filipino to begin with. I feel accepted in the US, and it feels good because I finally found a place where I fit in. I belong.

Here in Manila, it's another story. Too much drama and intrigues. I do hope that God will allow Liza and me to go to New Jersey and live there. It's more convenient if we rent an apartment, 'cause the landowner will set up the electricity and water. Then if something's broken, all you have to do is report it and they'll fix it immediately and all you'll have to do is pay.

It's easier to pay the bills too, because Liza and I can half. Then I was thinking of working in Pep Boys, an auto shop. At least I'll get a good background on cars, and I'll learn how to fix our future car. I can also get discounts on bottles of oil and I can ask help from the people there, who'll be my future friends and co-workers.

Liza plans to work in a bookstore or in Radioshack. Then we will do whatever it takes to get a 4.0 GPA and transfer to Cornell or Rutgers. It's a very big step, and it sounds difficult too. Actually, it sounds extremely impossible.

But then again, nothing is impossible if you believe in yourself, and if you lift your burdens to God.

In the zone

2009-12-07T20:06:00.003-06:00

I stood along the familiar halls in my same old uniform, carrying my heavy bookbag and lunchbox, taking everything in.

I'm back in St. Paul, and I was really surprised because when I entered the classroom, my adviser hugged me and everyone started clapping and cheering. They even sang me a short song, and it was really sweet of them.

I guess I missed everyone, including my closest friends. Of course, there're disadvantages. I was away for a month, and I have a lot of catching up to do.

I was immediately bombarded with worksheets, homework, extra-credit materials, and other school work to compensate for my grade. I was so busy running after teachers and cramming for upcoming quizzes that I barely even had time for myself!

I didn't have time to eat, and I didn't even have time to go to the bathroom! Gosh, I feel the adrenaline. I feel the stress. And the pressure. Exams are next week, so I really have to work hard and concentrate, otherwise my grades would fluctuate.

I'm getting a TIN number next week, so I can start saving up for CCM. I'm really psyched because Liza and I have plans of spending 1-2 years in CCM (NJ) then work hard for a 4.0 GPA then transfer to Cornell or Rutgers. We're going to rent an apartment and save up for a car and everything. It's easier if you lived with a friend, because you get to half the bills.

I hope everything works out well, and I believe that this is the most mature decision I've ever made.

Reality sets back in

2009-12-06T06:21:00.005-06:00

It's been 2 weeks since I last saw Rich Finland.

I pretty much broke his heart when I left New Jersey. He told me he was absolutely crushed and hurt because he thought that I would stay with him.

We didn't talk after I said goodbye. I spent my last week in America without talking to him, and I guess I felt sad because I really liked him, but sometimes life is just too good to be true.

I enjoyed being with him and talking about things. We talked about how ridiculous people can be with their evil attitudes and stuff. Our conversations were mostly constructive, and sometimes we would just keep quiet and sit in the car and watch the sky (his car has a sun roof).

Those silences were comfortable and not awkward. We didn't need words, and those quiet moments felt great. And when I said goodbye, I guess I really hurt him. He didn't want to talk to me after that.

But he and I were able to talk during my last night in America, when I was back in California. He admitted that he was mad, because he wanted me to stay there forever. But then he also said that he understood things better, and even if it hurts, he just had to let me go because we are two worlds apart.

He did tell me that he'll always remember me, and that he would wait for me, even if it took forever. Now that part was really sweet, but come on, he's a guy. I have to draw the line somewhere. Even if he 'promised', I have to be realistic about things. Because like I said, life is too good to be true.

I'm sure he'll eventually find someone else, someone who lives in the same world as his. And I'll just be a girl he met and admired from afar.

I know it hurts, but I have to accept it. Though truth is hard to swallow, it will set you free.

Operation Independence

2009-12-05T07:31:00.002-06:00

I woke up this morning feeling sad and surprisingly homesick for America.

I had a lovely dream. I dreamt that I was still in West Covina, eating a bowl of Lucky Charms on the kitchen table, 'til my mom woke me up.

It's sad because I'm now back in Manila, and I honestly have nothing to look forward to here. I'm not excited to go back to school on Monday, because I will obviously be bombarded by a billion worksheets and quizzes and homework.

I finished my Math worksheet though, and I was able to study Physics, read a bit on El Filibusterismo (sucky book), and finish Macbeth (another sucky book). I don't feel very determined with my senior year anymore.

But I am looking forward to my college plans, which I would like to call 'Operation Independence'. I plan to study in the East and live in an apartment with Liza.

You may think that the idea is silly, or I'm just blogging bullcrap here, but I got it all figured out. And I believe that this is the most mature decision I've ever thought of, with thorough planning and details.

I already started saving up, and I'm going to apply for a TIN number so I can start working part time and save up.

For now, I'll keep everyone posted, and I'll need prayers and a bit of financial support.

Ambition

2009-12-03T19:31:00.004-06:00

So I'm back. My plane landed in Manila at approximately 5:46 AM and I'm not exactly thrilled to be here.

First, the weather is absolutely terrible. I got used to the cool climate in America, and I'm not so sure if I'm ready to sweat.

Second, I got so used to crossing the street easily, that I almost forgot what a major pain most Filipino drivers can be. I got honked at when I was crossing one of the airport driveways.

As we rode in the car, I simply stared out the window, trying to remember what I used to love so much about the Philippines. The pollution? Over population? The weather? All the garbage? The Pasig River?

I miss the US terribly. I miss the fresh air, the courteous people, the safe environment, and of course, the climate. It's like I'm back to where I began, like I'm stuck in this black hole, and there's simply no way out.

I feel like I'm stranded in a dry valley, and the greener pastures are too far to reach. But I won't give up, even if I feel like I already hit rock-bottom. I will study hard, save up, and get a Philippine SSN so I can work part time. This operation requires focus and dilligence. I cannot get distracted, so I have to do my best, even if it leads to shutting down my social life.

Going to college in the East coast of the US is very crucial to me, and I am really dead serious about it. It's about time I did something ambitious, and I belive it's about time I got serious with my goals. There's a way out, and I will do whatever it takes.

God bless America

2009-12-02T13:07:00.002-06:00

My suitcases are all padlocked, and as I look around my room one last time, I just realized that time flew by so quickly. From an immigrant, I am now an American citizen. Yes, my US passport was issued last Monday. I do get to keep my Green Card and my Philippine passport too, but with my US passport, I can go in and out without having to apply for a visa. I'm a citizen, and I am proud to be one.

I can't believe that during my first few weeks, I kept ranting on how homesick I was. Turns out, I wasn't. I really do love it here in America, and it's because of the system here.

I can now EASILY relate to people, and feel free to speak in perfect English. I remember the times when I would speak English in the Philippines, and most of my school mates would think negatively and ask, "Bakit ganyan ka magsalita?". Here in America, you can be whoever you want to be.

The world is yours to take, and you can achieve your aspirations without having people look down on you, since they believe in equality and justice.

I enjoyed my stay here, because most of my 2nd cousins are here. They're all boys, and I'm the only girl, so it's like having 7 older brothers who'll gladly teach you football and invite you to hang out with them, despite the huge age difference. I will miss them all, and I never got the chance to experience the whole cousin-bonding thing-- 'til now. And it was great.

I will also miss New Jersey. I will miss the Conti family, and Rich Finland. I learned so much from them, and they showed me how beautiful it was in the East coast, which makes me really want to reside there.

I am not ready to go home, and when I board that plane, it will be with a heavy heart. So much school work that I've neglected, I must now face. I am not looking forward to the pollution and the terrible weather in the Philippines, and the thought itself just saddens me. I need a miracle, and I hope that God brings me back here in time for Freshman year in College.

For now, goodbye to all the beautiful scenery. Goodbye to the insane 9.75 tax rate in California. Goodbye to the rights to cross the street without cars honking at you. Goodbye to the American hospitality.

This is my last goodbye, Mi Ultimo Adios.

God bless America; the greener pastures, my home.

Rise and Fall of the United States

2009-12-02T01:51:00.006-06:00

DISCLAIMER: Again, this is my blog. I have every right to say what I want, due to the freedom of speech and protest we're entitled to. Most of the contents here are based on CNN and other sources of facts.

To begin. What in the world has gotten into the United States?

America's economy is in grave danger, thanks to the reckless decision-making of President Obama.

He's been spending billions of dollars on certain liberal programs which aren't even substantial. He should focus on more important things, like how to SAVE America from bankruptcy.

Obama visited China to purchase some programs, and here's how the conversation went:
Chinese: How will you pay for these programs? You already owe China Trillions of dollars.
Obama: Oh, we will pay for it don't worry.
Chinese: HOW?
*Silence.*

Wow, great move. Buying programs when there're other things to focus on. California is already bankrupt, and people are starting to send out their IOUs. Statistics confirmed that New York will be bankrupt by Christmas, thanks to the frivolous lifestyle of the people citizens.

Bottom line? America's in great debt. What is Obama doing about it? I know that he's intelligent and intellectual, and that people really really wanted him to be president, but think about it. Was it an excellent choice, when he might lead the US to its downfall?

Come on people, we have to think long-term here. We can't just play now and pay later, nooo. We have to really reflect and accept the gravity of our consequences. What America needs now is a good leader who would revive the country for the greater good. The president should start doing something about it, and STOP spending. Start saving, and come up with ways on how to pay back the credit card bills.

Janelle Conti

2009-12-01T01:15:00.006-06:00

This blog is dedicated to Janelle "Nellie" Conti.

Heyyyy Nell. Where to begin? Or the question is, how to begin?

We've known each other since we were kids, and despite the fact that I am 3 years older than you, we still managed to get along-- well at least most of the time, LOL.

I still remember those days when I would always ALWAYS go to your house and we would keep frying about a dozen eggs, 'cause those are the only things we knew how to cook. I also remember our crazy Amanda Bynes obssession, and we would listen to the teeny-bopper bands, like A-list or Westlife.

Ah, good times. But we also had our disagreements too. Like all bffs, we can't help but let our selfish nature get in the way. I remember some of the mean things I did to you, like humiliate you when we took badminton lessons together, or change your PW out of spite. I can't help but feel really sorry for that, 'til now. Then again, we were kids. Young, naive, immature, and maybe sometimes stubborn.

Then you moved to New Jersey. To be honest, I felt EXTREMELY sad because my best friend was gone. Yes, I considered you my best friend, and it took me a few years to get over it. I had to swallow the fact that you were no longer in Manila. No more eggs. No more Janelle.

We stopped talking for 5 years, until a miracle happened: I finally got to see you! Honestly, when I first saw you, I didn't know whether to run and hug you, or to just act casual and wave. I was trapped, because it's been 5 years! Who knows what happened during those years.

I guess it just felt awkward for me, because the distance did affect everything. I didn't know how to reach out to you, because I felt like I didn't know you anymore. Hence, the reason why I didn't talk to you much during my stay in New Jersey. I didn't even get to say goodbye properly, which I totally regret.

I'm sorry for not talking to you much, or for not watching New Moon with you. I know that watching that movie was really really important to you, but I thought you were mad at me or something. But I did enjoy the time we spent in Dollar Tree and Five Guys. You taught me a lot, and I know I had fun.

I'm sorry if my mom kinda embarrassed you with the picture-taking thing. I know it's REALLY embarrassing whenever our parents would act like tourists, but I guess that's what happens when they get too excited over things.

I do regret not spending time with you completely, because I really REALLY did miss you. I just didn't know what to say, because we come from different worlds now. I guess because of my self-conscious attitude, I may have hurt your parents in a way, and I am really sorry for that.

I'm also greatly sorry for giving you and your family a fright, when you guys found out that I got lost and was already on the other side of town. Hope I didn't get you in trouble or anything.

But I would also like to thank you for letting me sleep in your room, and for lending me your brown sunglasses, and for introducing me to your friends from Jacksonville, and for just being an excellent hostess.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to say goodbye. I didn't know whether to wake you up or not. When I called you earlier, I was surprised by how our conversation went. It's like someone ignited the candle we shared--we're still connected in a way. I don't know if you felt it, but I know I did.

You were my best friend in the Philippines, and I hope that we can be BFFs again, even if we come from different worlds. Let me close with a favorite quote of mine from Gossip Girl.

"Shoulder pats may come and go, but a BFF is forever. Because even if you're not sure where you're headed, it helps to know you're not going alone. No one has all the answers and sometimes the best we can do is just apologize and let the past be the past. Other times, we need to look to the future and know that even if we think we've seen it all, life can still surprise us, and we can still surprise ourselves."

I hope to see you soon. I'm sorry, I miss you, thank you, and ILY.

Until we meet again. XOXO

I wish...

2009-11-29T02:11:00.007-06:00

I wish I wasn't a Filipino to begin with.
I wish I could live in America forever.
I wish we were wealthy, so studying in an Ivy League wouldn't be a problem.
I wish I could reside in the East coast, preferrably New Jersey.
I wish I had these ambitions at a younger age, so I could've done something about them.
I wish I didn't give in to peer pressure, and instead worked dilligently to pull up my 1st-4th year grades and be part of the honor roll.
I wish I mapped out my goals earlier in life so I wouldn't have regrets, and I'll probably have good recommendations for the Ivy Leagues here.
I wish I didn't have to go back to Manila.
I wish I had one true friend whom I could count on.
I wish I started saving up at the age I got my allowance, so I would have enough money to pay for living expenses here-- all by myself.
I wish I knew how to drive.
I wish I were smarter and really intelligent, that way I can obtain full scholarship in the good universities here.
I wish I had thought of all these things earlier in life, so I could've planned everything and save up every peso I got and studied really hard and had tons of extra-curriculars for a US university scholarship.

I wish I knew better....

Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T22:49:00.012-06:00

Today's the 26th of November, and it's my first time to celebrate Thanksgiving. The pilgrims never visited the Philippines, so we don't have that there.

Anyway, I had my first turkey dinner ever, with mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberries, and pumpkin pie. We also went to church, and Pastor Gene gave us the chance to reflect on the things we are thankful for.

Personally, I'm thankful to God because he allowed me to come here. Despite the fact that I was homesick, I am still grateful because the Lord gave me the privilege to become an American Citizen instantly, the privilege that others cannot have.

Because of the prayers and my dad's citizenship, I am no longer an immigrant, but a blue passport owner. God opened my eyes and I realized that I do not want to return to the Philippines. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I really do want to live here.

The people here are extremely accommodating, and rights are respected. Pedestrians can cross the streets without crazy drivers honking their cars. Rules are followed, and the food is just great. The schools are absolutely stellar.

I was able to visit Princeton during my stay in New Jersey. I was also able to tour New York and make a wish while standing on the bridge overlooking the Hudson River.

(With Jan in Central Park, by the Hudson River, NY, in Princeton with Mom & Dad)

More importantly, I made new friends. Remember that blue-eyed dreamboat? He and I got to know each other, and we were able to spend time together too, even if it was only for four days. His name is Richard "Rich" Finland, and he was able to take me to the mall and invite me to dinner with his parents, such wonderful people.

(With Rich Finland aka blue-eyed dreamboat & Family)

I will definitely miss him, because I learned so much about him in just a span of 4 days. Turns out, he was bullied all his life, which is hard to believe because he's such a good-looking person. I guess he did not meet the standards of 'clique-tatorship'. I told him about my experience with the mean girls in school, and hopefully I was able to encourage him, even just a bit.

That blue-eyed dreamboat

2009-11-15T22:19:00.003-06:00

So today's a Sunday. We went to church and had lunch in Applebee's.

The food was sooo delicious. We had steak, pasta, and this spinach dip with nachos and potatoes. I already gained 4 pounds, so I need to gain 8 more. I just want to get fat.

So anyway, the day went on and my aunt decided to stop at the Dollar Tree to purchase some detergent and laundry liquid. So from the name itself, everything they sell at the Dollar Tree is worth a dollar.

I went around, and I was absolutely bored to death, until.. I saw the dude working by the counter. He's about my age, or maybe a year older. I went closer to check him out, and he was soooo cute! He had an awesome built, that relaxed swagger, and I realized that he had these amazing navy eyes. They were so blue. Okay not navy, maybe sapphire-ish. WHAT A DREAMBOAT!

My heart literally skipped a beat, and he looked at me and smiled. He SMILED! At me! I was doing this stupid happy dance in my head. So I immediately bought a bag of Red Hot Cinnamon-flavored candy and Big Red gum. I got two dollars out of my purse and proceeded to the counter.

Dreamboat: Will that be all?
Me: Mhmm, that'll be all. (Stupid answer! Should've just said 'mhmm')
Dreamboat: Okay.. *Punches a few buttons* That'll be $2:14
Me: Oh right, I forgot you had tax. (Another stupid answer.) *Digs in my purse to look for loose change.
*Silence. Dreamboat looks at me curiously as I tried to figure out the coins.*
Me: Sorry, it's not that easy to distinguish the coins since we just moved here.
Dreamboat: Oh yeah? Where're you from?
Me: I'm from the Philippines. *Hands him a quarter* I think that's about right, 25 cents.
Dreamboat: Oh really? That's cool. How long did it take for you to get here?
Me: Took my plane 12 hours.
Dreamboat: *Hands me the change* Wow. Well, thanks for shopping here. Good luck. *Looks deep into my eyes*
Me: Thanks. You too. *Stares back*

His eyes were just INTENSE! Dreamy dreamy dreamy! I wish he knew my name, or I wish he got my number. Gah. I don't normally find people hot, but this one's just.. EHMA-HOTT!

I heart NYC

2009-11-14T19:56:00.003-06:00

We flew from California to Detroit, then from Detroit, we flew to New York.

New York is a beautiful place. It is a very busy city with so much people, but you can sense the excitement and the energy. We drove around Manhattan, and it was very traffic. I caught a glimpse of 5th Avenue, Park Avenue, and Madison Avenue.

I was able to see the yanks put up the tallest Christmas tree in Times Square. The only problem with New York is that it isn't safe. There are so much homeless people around, and it's nothing compared to California.

Still, I am grateful to have seen New York. I am currently in New Jersey, living with my childhood bff. Our reunion was an awkward moment, but we're doing okay now. Hopefully, we won't run out of things to say, since it's been 5 years since.

I am going to visit Princeton, NYU, and maybe Columbia, and I'll be uploading pictures here soon. I can hardly wait, and I have plans of raiding the campus stores to buy school hoodies and notebooks.

After that, we're going back to New York to explore.

Eh tu Brute

2009-11-12T12:03:00.010-06:00

A traitor is someone who knows your heart and has ripped into that heart and ripped out that heart by exposing and exploiting your vulnerabilities.

Why do people betray us?

That's an interesting question, because I've always wondered why people can be so astringent. I have friends whom I confide in, but there's this one particular friend who has hurt me terribly. It was unexpected, because that someone knew what I was going through all along.

It's not simply because I was double-crossed. Rather, that person has taken special information and used it to harm me.

I'm not going to drop any names, or even mention if that person's a he or a she. It would be impartial, and I'm just releasing what I'm feeling deep down.

So back to the question. Why do people betray others? Humans are all alike. They may differ physically, but the thing is, we all have emotions. Vehemence. Feelings. Whatever you would like to call it.

We all have experienced heartache, sadness, anger, and all the other sentiments. If we ourselves have experienced betrayal, why do we pass it unto others? We are not perfect, and that's a given, but we shouldn't pay forward our transgressions.

A friend will confide in a friend, because he or she needs someone who can understand, and not necessarily take sides or anything, but just to listen. After all, that's why we're humans. We're people. We communicate and relate. No man is an island. But what's really painful is when you swallow your pride and take risks by divulging information, and in the end you get stabbed in the back.

Some people refer to it as testing, but I for one believe that it's mean. You shouldn't fool around with a sensitive person, and you definitely should not toy with that person's state of mind.

My title for this entry is a latin sentence. It means 'you too, Brutus?' by Julius Caesar. He said it to Brutus during his last hours, after finding out that it was Brutus who conspired with Cassius against Caesar. Brutus stabbed him in the back, literally.

So I would like to ask that friend of mine why he/she betrayed me like that, saying that he/she was just "testing" me, when it didn't seem like a test. Why would he/she test my trust to begin with, it just seems illogical. Especially now that I'm really agitated.

You know who you are. So, my friend, if you really are my friend, Eh tu Brute?

Fortune Cookie

2009-11-11T00:15:00.004-06:00

It all began in Downtown LA, after going to the USCIS to fix my papers and documents. My parents and I had brunch at the food court in the LA mall, and they ordered chinese food. Of course, there were 2 fortune cookies and I took the liberty of opening them up.

I opened the first one, and it said: "You outdistance your competitors." The second one stated: "You are gifted in many ways." Both fortunes were encouraging and motivating, and I felt supported in a way. It seemed that God answered my prayers through those fortune cookies.

The day went sane, and I guess I am grateful. I went to Kim Parker's house, and I bonded with Tracy, Audrey, Lisa, Britney, and Becca. We pigged out on Ice Cream and cookies and just had a heated discussion on life.

I know, you'd probably think it's an insipid subject, but I really loved it. You see, the difference with Americans and Filipinos is that with Americans, you can talk to them about ANYTHING, and they wouldn't judge you or go all legalistic and act like a bunch of pharisees.

With Filipinos, it's strangely different. You have to be extremely vigilant with what you say because Filipinos take things personally, and most of them (especially girls) are not trustworthy. They will judge you immediately, from your appearance to your accent.

I enjoy being with my new friends now, because they try their best to understand and relate to your personal life. It's obvious that they don't have vested interests, and they'll just let you be, unlike other people who'll backstab you to the bone, probably due to jealousy and insecurity.

Just imagine if we were like White people, with an other-centered attitude. We can make a big difference to our society, because we are more careful with what we say and how we manage ourselves. If we were like them, we would be more apprehensive with other people's feelings, and we would make sure to abide in the government rules for the betterment of our country.

I'm not going to go all political here, but just conceptualize the possibilities that could happen if we changed our hearts for the greater good. There's bound to be a revival, and the hope that many people have been seeking will be found.

PTL

2009-11-09T20:42:00.002-06:00

My 10th night in America.

Today's Monday, and my day was pretty bromidic. I woke up at 5am to talk to a few people online and to check my email. After that, I had breakfast with my mom, and came running to the bathroom, realizing that I'm lactose intolerant.

My bathroom moments began when I started eating cereal and cream cheese sandwiches for breakfast. It also occurred when I had about two scoops of ice cream. I was appalled, because I really love dairy.

After that, I had a migraine for the entire afternoon. I already took painkillers, but it didn't take effect. I was shopping with my mom when my head began to pound, and perhaps it was because of the scorching California heat. The pain was terrible, and I felt nauseous as well. I wanted to puke my guts out.

I requested to go home immediately so I could lie down and stay within distance of a clean toilet for further barfing emergencies. But when we got home, there was a surprise waiting in the mailbox.

MY GREEN CARD FINALLY ARRIVED! For those who don't know what it is, a Green Card is a card (it's actually white and not green) that states that you're a full-fledged permanent resident of America, and with that card, you can enter in and out of the US and apply for job and gives you the authority to apply for an US Social Security Number.

I applied for my Social Security Number and for a California ID, but both offices said that I needed that Green Card first. It's really that exigent, and a weight has been lifted. My parents have been praying in anguish, and finally there's relief in our midst. Praise the Lord!

Unhappy

2009-11-06T22:46:00.002-06:00

My 7th night in California, and today's my first Friday here.

I don't know why, but I've been so tired lately. The fact that my parents wake me up at 6am in the morning annoys me. I'm really jetlagged, and I haven't had enough sleep, and they force me to wake up at the uncivilized hour of 6 by knocking incessantly on my door.

I'm pretty bored too. To be honest, I'm tired of living with my parents. They force me to do things I don't really like, such as joining a small group in church. Why can't they understand that it's hard for me to relate to white people? Why do they even force me? It's as if I don't have the right to anything.

Whenever we would go out to eat, my dad's in his usual cheap mode. What's new. He expects us to buy the cheapest meal on the menu. A perfect example of that is the Dollar Burger in Burger King. We've been eating that for 3 days now, and it's just sickening. Imagine eating the same thing over and over again. It annoys me to the bone.

Also, I really hate it when the sun shines. My nose is already sunburnt, and I wouldn't want to get dark. The sun here is just awful; blaring and hot. It clashes with the cool weather, and I wish it would just disappear.

I want to go home. Will someone please hijack a jet and pick me up?

Happy 18th Liza Valencia!

2009-11-05T23:05:00.006-06:00

This blog is dedicated to Liza Corinne Valencia.

Heyyy Liza! I wish I could greet you in person, but it'd take a great miracle for that to happen.

Let me begin by wishing you Many Happy Returns! God has blessed you with 18 years, and with his grace, I'm sure he'll give you many more years to come.

I first met you during the AHS Sophomore's night. You had long hair back then. We were officially introduced during the AHS salu-salo, and that was it. Sure, we would see each other around because we were both enrolled in SEP, about 2 summers ago but we never really hung out.

Days, months, years. I finally got to know you, but it took a long time. To be honest, I was slightly afraid of you because of the way you carried yourself, and of course, the way you speak. Seriously, you're the first person I know who can speak really great English. (Nosebleed! Someone hand me a box of tissue.)

I never expected for us to be friends, and I'm really surprised that we have so much in common! We both love reading, dictionary.com's word of the day, sudoku, crossword puzzles, musicals, wasabi popcorn, frozen yogurt, shopping, running, and many more.

Turns out, you're not as scary as I pictured you to be. You're really friendly, warm, talented, intelligent, and just brilliant. I admire you for being strong, despite the trials you're going through, and how you treasure your real friends and the way you look after them. You're really beautiful, inside and out, and I hope you stay that way because you really do bless people, especially me.

I pray that you and Kevin will have a lasting relationship (I know you both will) and I also pray that you make the most of your senior year. I wish you the best. Happy Birthday once again, and God bless you and your family. ILOVEYOU! Infinite x's and o's.

P.S. I hope to see you in Cornell! I'm seriously considering Cornell, along with Brown, Princeton, Georgetown, and Columbia.

Angry Entry

2009-11-05T22:49:00.003-06:00

This entry's probably due to my being homesick. And also because I'm PMS-ing.

First of, I am annoyed to the bone. Life's just so unfair. I can't find a decent secondhand Sidekick around here, and if it weren't for the fact that T-mobile has stopped manufacturing Sidekicks until next year, I wouldn't even be wasting my time in secondhand stores or Ebay for that matter.

Secondly, I came to America to eat American food, NOT Filipino food! I arrive here, and what do my parents make me eat? Rice, Sinigang, Beef Steak, etc. What's the point of having Taco Bell or A&W near your area if you're just going to drive all the way to Covina for Adobo?

Third, I am in great pain. I have my period, and I feel awful. My lower abdomen hurts like hell, and my painkillers aren't effective. I've been bleeding like crazy, and I feel so disgusted. I feel nauseous too, and I'm not that hungry. I spent the whole day writhing in pain.

Fourth, I just want to go home. Maybe coming here was a bad idea. I miss all my friends back home. I miss my classmates. I miss Joaquin. I hate the fact that I barely know anyone here. Bottom line: My life sucks.

New friends

2009-11-04T01:18:00.003-06:00

My 4th night in America.

The day flew by fast, and I suppose it's because I spent most of the hours sleeping. I'm still jetlagged, and I slept until 5 in the afternoon. I only woke up for breakfast and lunch, and I staggered back to my room, scrambled on the bed, and fell into a deep sleep.

I even dreamed a bit, but I can't remember much.

I went out with some people from church for dinner. We went to Legends. It's my first time to actually hang out with pure Americans. Though I am the youngest in the group, I can't help but feel amazed on how Americans treat others. They treat people equally, no discrimination. They spoke to me as if I was their age.

One of them was really friendly. Her name's Lisa Walker, and she said that she loved Filipinos because she grew up with most of them. She could say a few words in Filipino, such as 'Mabuhay' and 'Ako si Lisa'. How cute! And she loved to ask all sorts of questions.

I felt timid at first, because I believe I'm an introvert, and it takes huge effort for me to be able to socialize and push aside my insecurities. I have to admit, I'm worn out. I did my best-- performance-level actually. I really think I could be an actress. I'm not that talkative or sociable, but I could be one if I push myself. It's just like role-playing.

After dinner, I decided to hang around a bit. For an added treat, I ordered a Double-Strawberry Ice Cream cone. It was sooooo good! Soft, cold, sweet, and creamy.

I'm still homesick, but I'm getting used to California. My accent's pretty good too. I just have to push a few more buttons then I can pass off as an American.

What would you rather?

2009-11-02T23:38:00.003-06:00

Would you rather: A) Live in another country without your friends and loved ones, or B) Stay in your homeland and be surrounded by the people you love?

My 3rd night in America, and I'm exhausted. We went to a lot of places today. First, we registered to get a California ID. Unfortunately, a social security number was required before you can attain a California card.

So we rushed to the office to apply for one. Not much luck there either. I needed my Green Card first. Consequently, we went to the post office to apply for a blue passport. Turns out, I needed my Green Card too. So we inquired some more, and we're going to Rosemead(sp?) tomorrow to settle everything.

We had lunch in Norms, and the food was absolutely decadent. After that, we took my dad to work, and my mom and I went shopping. I was able to buy a few things, but I'm still contemplating on whether to save all my money to buy a Sidekick or an iPhone, or to just spend frivolously on clothes, makeup, and miscellaneous.

After shopping, we fetched my dad and went to Albertson's to do some grocery shopping. I was so tired from walking, and the afternoon heat was terrible. I'm already sunburned from the blarring sun, and in a span of 4 days, I'd probably be tan. The color of my hair got lighter too; instead of the dull brown, it became golden brown.

To be honest, I can't stop thinking about Manila. I miss my siblings and my friends (Brotherhood, M-Girls, 4-8) and I am just homesick. I'd rather be with the people I love, than give them up to go to another country. I therefore choose option B.

2nd night in LA

2009-11-02T00:57:00.003-06:00

I went shopping earlier. I bought a new sweater with a matching plaid scarf. I'm hoping to buy a Sidekick Orchid LX or a white iPhone.

I also went to church in Glendora. Honestly, I felt really out of place. The kids my age seem older, and they know each other well so I don't know how to assert myself.

My 2nd night in LA. I was hoping for some improvement, but apparently I'm still homesick. I can't seem to interact properly, because I feel really obscure and lonely. I want to go home. I don't know anyone, and I am not enjoying myself.

I indulged myself in comfort food. I had a pint of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. I also had a few pieces of chocolate Truffles and washed it down with a glass of Vanilla Almond milk. So far, it has not helped. I miss my friends back home, Joaquin most especially. I am hoping to gain 10 pounds though.

I emailed Liza earlier, and I told her how homesick I was. I'm having a difficult time adjusting, and I'm just not so used to the American culture. I'm going to Upland High School in a few days, and I hope that I can gain my confidence and just blend in. I don't know how though. Americans are so outspoken and frank, whereas I'm reserved and conservative.

Right now, I'm wearing my coziest hoodie and pajama bottoms. I need comfort asap. I honestly want to go home...

Californi-YAY!

2009-11-01T02:25:00.002-06:00

I left for California yesterday night at around 11pm.

When I first entered the Philippine airport, I was already in good hands because my Tito Mon was a former employee of PAL so he had access to many things. He gave me the privilege to stay in the Mabuhay Lounge, the waiting area for Business class and First class passengers only.

I travelled alone. Throughout the whole flight, I was able to relax. I had my iPod and a really good book to keep me entertained. The food was good too. They served dinner and breakfast.

I am now here in California. I had dinner in the house of my half-uncle. I already met my half-cousins: Faye, 18, and Eunice, 17. They are very accommodating, and I am looking forward to being with them again.

We're staying in West Covina, and I have my own room and bathroom. I'm really jet-lagged, and I can't help but feel a bit lonely. I don't know anyone here, and it's really quiet. I'm slightly homesick too, but I keep reminding myself that this is my home now.

Almost finished

2009-10-30T04:16:00.002-05:00

I managed to stuff all my clothes in my suitcases. I already packed my books too. I was able to fix all my documents and papers, and all other requirements I need. All I have to do is finish charging my iPod and cellphones.

My sister and I went to the mall for some last-minute shopping. I already bought Wild Berry Skittles for the plane ride. They make me burp and I think it's helpful because I get nauseous easily.

Joaquin came over to help me finish packing and teach me a bit in Math. I'm going to miss him a lot, because he's my best guy friend. I appreciate all his help, except that we kept arguing earlier. Sometimes we're just both too stubborn.

During our 15-minute break, we had Coffee-Caramel Cornetto Drumsticks! Boy, what a treat. It's hard to believe that I'm leaving tomorrow. Time flies really fast, and life doesn't stop for anyone, no matter how hard you want it to.

I'm really proud of the progress, because it only took me 2 days to pack. I'm almost finished.

Typhoon, stay out!

2009-10-29T09:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my last day in school. I was under pressure the whole time, because I had to finalize things. Since I was under pressure, I couldn't help but eat my heart out. I downed 2 Coffee-Caramel Cornetto Drumsticks, which tasted heavenly. Ice cream is pure comfort food.

At least I'm finished with my school work. Now I just have to worry about what clothes to bring and how I'm going to fit everything within the maximum range. I'm already gathering all my winter clothes, and hopefully I have enough dollars.

Anyway, last night, my friend Liza helped me fix my site. It looks so much better now, and I've always imagined my layout to look something like this, but I am forever grateful for Liza. She made it all happen, and I can't thank her enough. It took her a lot of time to encode, and I would like to give her all the credit.

I Skyped with my mom, and the newscaster anounced that there was a storm coming. I hope it doesn't affect my flight, because I leave on Saturday. And they said that it might hit on Saturday. Please do pray that my flight won't get delayed, and that the storm won't hit us.

I am looking forward to leaving, and I wouldn't want to get delayed. It's so hard to book another flight.

2 days to go

2009-10-29T09:18:00.000-05:00

I ransacked my entire closet earlier, and I found lots of coats and thick jackets tucked away in the far corner. I have an armload of jeans and sweaters too. I'm bringing 7 pairs of shoes: 2 pairs of boots, a pair of flip-flops, a pair of low sandals, a pair of pumps, a pair of my converse high-cut sneakers, and of course, my Nike rubbershoes.

All in all, I have three luggages plus my handbag. I will check-in two of them, and hand carry one. They're all really heavy, and I hope I can lift them. Since I will be travelling alone, I can't help but feel absolutely excited. I'm also nervous, because I'm afraid that I might get lost, or I might not be able to carry all my things.

Aside from my friends outside school, I'm also going to miss a lot of people from my section, and I just realized how much I'm going to miss my seatmate: Pamela 'Pam' Briones (check out her site. You'll find the link in my 'Links' page). She's been my seatmate for 2 quarters now, and I asked her if we can be seatmates again. She willingly said yes. I guess I'm going to miss her quirkiness and our constant arguments over the smallest things.

I'm also going to miss Claud, Charmaine, and Chua. I enjoy being with them, especially during recess and lunch. They also help me out whenever I don't understand a certain topic in Physics. I am amazed at how God was able to answer my prayers. I prayed for a friend, and he blessed me with a GROUP of friends (we call ourselves The 7 Deadly Sins) who I can go with and have fun with.

I can't believe I'm actually saying this: I'm grateful and thankful for having been placed in 4th year section 8. In room 8, there's unity, harmony, cooperation, and best of all, NO DISCRIMINATION.

Thank you Lord for opening my eyes, and for allowing me to accept my classmates. I am proud to be part of 4-8, and I couldn't be happier to call them my classmates.

Swamped

2009-10-27T06:38:00.000-05:00

I am really stressed out. I am cramming so much school work, because I'm leaving in a few days. Thankfully, I've finished running after all my teachers for requirements and contact information. At least a weight has been lifted off my heaving chest.

I honestly don't have time to think about my social problems right now. I'm focusing on my trip. I don't know what clothes to bring, and I am seriously not prepared. I feel slightly ambivalent, but I am definitely ecstatic. I can't wait to fly out of the Philippines and leave my problems behind, even just for awhile. I need a break, and more time for myself. I also need more time with my parents since they've been gone for an awfully long time.

I'm going to miss my friends though, my REAL friends (4D boys, and The Brotherhood: Joaquin, Tal, Liza, Shy, Kimmy, Bri, Anton, Mickey, Nigel, Chan, Kevin, Jake, Miggy, and Drei, and Jamie and the other M-Girls). I appreciate them, because despite my trials, they always welcomed me with open arms. Whenever I'm with them, I feel really accepted, because they are really nice to me, no strings attached. They gave me a chance to prove the other people wrong.

Even if I lost most of my school friends, at least I have the people I mentioned above. I am forever grateful, because the Lord has gifted me with unconditional people. I'd rather have a bajillion enemies, than to have friends who secretly hate you. That's just awful, and I wouldn't want to live in a lie.

That's the game of life. You have to learn to play by the rules. You win some, you lose some.

Sorting things out

2009-10-26T06:14:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't blogged for weeks now, and I feel really terrible about it.

I have been extremely busy, that I didn't even have time for myself. My life revolved around college entrance exams (which are thankfully over), 2nd Quarter Periodic Exams, my papers for my US citizenship, and of course, school.

I am flying to the US in a few days, and I am not prepared at all. I am staying there for a month, but at least I get to be with my parents. Today, I ran after most of my subject teachers for their contact information. I also begged for extra-credit work since I will be absent for a long time.

Speaking of grades, I felt extremely terrible when my Math teacher approached me earlier. She said that I got low this quarter due to many absences. I believe that's unfair because I tried my best to make up for it, answering twice as many exercises to compensate. I also did fairly well in my periodic exam, so I'm absolutely puzzled. I hope that I don't get a C in my report card. That would be awful.

I'm also praying that I get in Ateneo. It's been my lifelong dream, and I am praying fervently. I am thankful for my friend, Joe. He's already in college, and he's an Atenean. He's really smart and musically inclined. He kept on encouraging me and said that I will most probably make it since I'm a hardworker.

That's all for now, because I just realized that I have so much homework to do, and I have to finish our Thesis Proposal. I promise to blog some more, and keep everyone posted.

XOXO

Finally

2009-09-21T02:04:00.000-05:00

The ACET is finally over.

Honestly, I feel relieved and ambivalent at the same time. It was hot when I got there. I arrived 3 hours earlier, and I met up with Joaquin, Liza, Billie, Nigel, and Tal. I was nervous, and I was sweating like crazy. I had fun before the exam though, especially with Liza. I realized that we had so much in common, and I wish that we could bond someday.

To make the long story short, the exam was.. well it went by fast. I know that I answered most of the items, I just hope that they're all correct.

Some people claimed to have found the exam easy. For me, I'm not so sure. All I know is that I did my part by working hard and putting my social life aside to study for the ACET. I did my best, and I leave it all to God. I hope he grants my prayer request, because ADMU is my dream uni. And I hope that I pass with flying colors.

After the ACET, my brother took Joaquin and I to T.G.I Friday's. We pigged out and watched ESPN on the plasma screen. After that, we went to Power Books and Toys R Us to browse items. A perfect way to end a not-so-perfect day.

2009-09-15T06:51:00.000-05:00

"I want to run the race you've set before me."

2009-09-14T07:19:00.000-05:00

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." --Oscar Wilde

Trainwreck

2009-09-13T09:47:00.000-05:00

My life's a mayhem.

I'm so sick of it. I'm depleted.

How much tears I've shed, how much pain I've endured. I'm so tired of going to school, trying to put on a happy face. I'm tired of lifting my head, walking confidently, and smiling at teachers as if nothing's wrong. I'm tired of the sleepless nights, wherein I would lie awake, wondering if the next day would have even just the slightest bit of improvement.

I'm tired of seeing our guidance counselor. I'm tired of trying to think straight. I'm tired of telling myself that everything's going to be okay, and that there will be an end to my misery. I'm tired of doing my best. I'm tired of going after my 'friends', who never took the chance to help me or listen to me at least. All they did was forget about me, just cause our worlds are no longer interconnected. All they ever did was move on, and forget that I was once a part of their everyday lives back in 3rd year.

I'm tired of trying to put my life in order. I'm tired of wishing for a miracle. I'm tired of people constantly asking: "Are you okay? How's your life? How're you doing in school? Do you like high school?"

I would automatically say: "I'm doing fine" then change topics. If only I could put a sign on my head that screams "I AM NOT HAPPY NOW STOP ASKING AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS" in bold letters.

I hate the way people judge me. I hate the fact that many people never gave me the chance to prove that I'm worth knowing. I hate the way you people reduced my status to something absolutely obscure. I hate the fact that everything was taken away from me: My reputation, my friends, being part of the soccer team, and my self-esteem.

I don't need any lecture right now. Spare me all the "God still loves you"s and "It's going to be okay"s. I don't need your comfort either. It's time I've accepted the fact that I'm all alone. That friends can be deceiving. That I don't always win, even if I know that sometimes I deserve to. That I get stabbed in the back all the time. That I'm always going to be crying myself to sleep. That I have nothing.

Sucks to be me

2009-09-08T06:38:00.000-05:00

Today was absolutely terrible.

It's my first day, if you know what I mean. I was caught off guard and started scouting around the classroom for the solution to the problem. I eventually fixed it, but I still felt uncomfortable.

After a few hours,t he pain started kicking in.

It was HORRIBLE! We had mass due to Mary's birthday and everytime we stood up, it was simply unbearable. The pain in my lower abdomen was excruciating and nasty. I kept wishing for it to cooperate to the desperate pleas in my head. I wanted it to stop cramping, because it was affecting everything.

After the mass, we headed back to our classrooms and I started cursing in my head. The seniors have their own building, which is probably the farthest among the other buildings. I kept complaining on why our classrooms had to be so far and all that crap.

I tried my best to sit still when classes resumed, but I just couldn't stand it. So I asked for permission to go to the clinic. As I've mentioned, the seniors' building is the farthest in the campus, so the infirmary which is located in the grade school building was freaking far. Every step was like calvary. The pain was like hell.

When I got there, they gave me medicine that didn't even help. I was contorting and writhing in pain and they eventually sent me home. I felt awful. I didn't want to miss my subjects, and I started cursing in my head again.

I wish I were a boy. IT SUCKS TO BE A WOMAN!

Preppy

2009-09-07T03:39:00.001-05:00

Thank God for no classes.

I slept in and woke up at 12nn. It felt good to not wake up at the uncivilized hour of 5am. The cold weather feels SOOO good and it feels cozy to just watch TV and snuggle on the couch under warm blankets with a glass of milk.

I did all my assignments and I can't help but feel pleased because my brother's taking me shopping in Debenhams later. I saw so much preppy outfits (conservative-looking, and nothing sleeveless of course) and I felt bad when I saw the price tags.

Luckily, my uber generous brother decided to buy me a few outfits since he knows how much I love smart, preppy clothes. Plaid, sweaters, t-shirt dresses, oxfords, khakis, I love them all.

I wish it would rain really hard and classes tomorrow would get suspended. I'm not ready to go back to school yet. Sigh.

Rewarded

2009-09-05T23:44:00.000-05:00

Friday was so much fun!

I went to training in Ultra with my other teammates and we practiced our kicking and passing. It was raining and the field was extremely muddy. We kept slipping and sliding and in the end, we were sooo muddy! But I didn't mind one bit, because I had so much fun.

We were supposed to have a game. We're competing for the Ateneo Cup which was supposed to be held at the Ateneo College Field. I shopped for new shin guards, bought Gatorade and everything but turns out, the game was cancelled due to the flooded field. Isn't that sad?

I felt deflated because I was looking forward to the game and I trained hard and everything. But I had a pleasant reward waiting for me.

Joaquin invited me to go to Eastwood so I went home, showered, and tried to dress up as quickly as I could. When we got to Eastwood, I was filled with joy. Surprise, surprise. I saw the Brotherhood and other people from AHS 4D. I ran to Liza and Tal and hugged them both. Tightly, because I missed them so much!

Liza introduced me to her friend, Bri. She seems nice but I didn't really get to talk to her much. Chan kept saying that she was so fun to be with, and I'll take his word for it. I hope I can get to know her better. Poor Liza, after getting off the escalator, she slipped and fell on her butt. I hope she's feeling better. It really looked painful, but she was laughing about it so it shows that she's okay.

Despite the confusing weather and the problems I have to deal with, I am happy. I'm happy because I got to see the people I call my true friends, and it feels wonderful to take a break from all your problems once in awhile and spend it with your quirky, funny, and true friends. Don't you think so?

Tenacious

2009-09-03T06:29:00.000-05:00

First day of the absence of my parents. Already, the house feels empty and quiet. Usually, it's just me and our helper since my siblings are working and they come home late at night.

I miss my parents already, and I emailed them to keep them updated with my daily happenings. I wish my papers would be processed ASAP so I can follow them in California. I'm looking forward to being with them again, and I know that we will have so much fun there.

I had a blast today. I aced two of my quizzes: one in Math, and the other one in Physics. Isn't that great? I keep a record of my scores at the back of every subject notebook per quarter, and so far my second quarter scores are just superb.

I'm back on track, and I can feel it. I feel the motivation and the slightest bit of hope. I haven't accumulated any absences or tardiness either, which is a good thing. I'm finally focused and determined to get fabulous grades, be a consistent honor student, and a great soccer player.

To all those people who have conspired to bring me down and ruin the rest of my senior year, you better watch your back. Because I am decisive to excel and my eyes are on the prize. I'm driven to finish the race-- first place.

Watch out, people. You ain't seen the best of me yet.

Symphony

2009-09-02T08:06:00.000-05:00

Today started out well.

The Manila Symphony Orchestra performed in our school, and it was just brilliant! The melody, the harmony, the rythm, everything!

I loved the pieces they played, and I'm amazed at how the combination of instruments can produce such wonderful music. I was quiet the whole time, taking everything in, afraid to miss even the tiniest detail.

I enjoyed it so much, and I hope that I can watch their concert soon. Their performance was just alluring, and somehow hypnotizing.

My day started good, but there was also a sad part. We took my parents to the airport. We said our goodbyes and exchanged a round of hugs and kisses, and watched as they slowly disappeared inside the airport. I hope that they have a safe trip, and I am definitely going to miss them.

Three long months.

Wake me up when September ends

2009-09-01T07:13:00.000-05:00

September 1st.

19 days to go 'til the ACET, and I am barely ready. So far, I'm trying to familiarize myself with my weaknesses in Math, a challenge I am currently facing. I really want to pass the ACET, and I'm sure a lot of people do too. So I have to do my best and fight the competition.

My parents leave for America tomorrow. My dad's petition has been final. He has already sumbitted my Immigrant's application form, and all I have to do is wait for the schedule of my Medical Exam. After that is my interview with the consul at the US Embassy. Then once my passport and Visa has been mailed, I'm off to America!

My parents are staying there for 3 months. I am going to follow sometime in October, then we will all go home together on the 4th of December. I am absolutely excited. I get to be a dual citizen, and maybe I can take my Driving Test in America if possible. That would be so cool, 'cause they said that my license would be international. Something like that.

I'm going to miss them so much! Three months is pretty long. I wish September would end. I want to get the ACET over with, and I also want to fly out of here and be with my parents. I can't wait for October.

I'm back!

2009-08-27T06:22:00.001-05:00

I finally started my soccer training today.

For a moment, I forgot what it felt like to be on the field under the blazing sun. We jogged for the longest time, and I could feel my sweat from head to toe. And you know what?

IT FELT FREAKING AWESOME!

One of the best. The coaches noticed how much I've improved and offered to promote me to a higher level. Isn't that wonderful? It's my last year in school and I want to do my best. We are also going to have tournaments and competitions etc.

I just realized how much I love soccer. I love jogging and feeling the sweat drip on my back. I love stretching and getting thirsty afterwards. I enjoy the PAIN I experience the next day. It's like a badge of honor, and it proves how hard I worked and that it's all worth it. After all, no pain, no glory.

Ex-friends

2009-08-24T06:44:00.000-05:00

Bad day.

Today's probably one of my worst days. I got low in my Physics quiz, failed in my French exam, got stuck in a REALLY bad seat, and still friendless. So what's new.

I'm not in the mood to write anything inspirational or positive. It's hard when your friends are all in another section, and sometimes you can't help but lose connection between them. I don't know who to trust anymore, and I can't help but feel terrible.

I know that some of them don't like me as much and sometimes I FEEL that they have the tendency to talk behind my back, not include me in their fun, etc. I feel out of place, and sometimes sad. It's as if they've forgotten the many months we shared together last school year. People are often forgetful.

Me being put in another section has been a challenge, and I've been observing my friends. I was hoping to see who really are my true friends, but I don't think I have anyone left. I can't believe I called them 'friends' to begin with. I was so naive, easily trusting in others, and in the end I always get stabbed in the back But I've learned my lesson. I know better now.

I'm starting to choose my friends WISELY. It gets harder and harder everyday. I only have one best friend as of now, but too bad he goes to a different school.

7 months to go.. And counting.

Colored pencils

2009-08-19T06:07:00.000-05:00

Today, my section and I visited this public school in Bagong Ilog. It's like an outreach thing, and we get to teach grade school kids. We are assigned to a maximum of 2 students. I got assigned to only one pupil, and his name's Mark. He's in the second grade.

When we arrived, I was surprised by the number of students per classroom. At first, I stood outside the door and took it all in. I love to watch and observe people. I enjoy watching their mannerisms, their movements, etc.

The teacher was trying her best to silence the students, and little by little, the chaos ceased. I saw the teacher's desk piled with notebooks and papers, and I immediately felt bad for her. The ratio of teacher to student is one is to too MUCH.

So anyway, I approached Mark and tried to get to know him. But he's only a kid, and kids easily get distracted. So I produced a coloring page from my filecase and asked him if he wanted to color. He smiled and nodded his head and reached into his backpack for a box of crayons. I showed him my unused 36 pieces Faber Castel colored pencils and I asked him if he wanted to use it.

I could see his eyes twinkling and shining, as he longingly stared at the colored pencils in front of him. I lent it to him and I didn't really mind if he was disarranging the set and getting the points blunt and everything. I wanted to help him. No wait, not just him, but the whole school.

After our coloring activity, we got sandwiches and juice for the kids. I got an extra sandwich and a juice box and discreetly went upstairs. I saw the teacher hunched over, checking papers and notebooks. I gave her the sandwich and juice, and she flashed me a grateful smile. It felt wonderful. If I were to repeat the scene over and over again, I would.

Before leaving, I gave Mark a plastic envelope with a notebook and two pencils inside. I could tell he was happy. I didn't want to leave, but apparently all good things must come to an end.

This is an example of an irreplaceable scenario. I'm glad God allowed me to have a compassionate heart, and someday I am going to help these people. I am going to try to provide them with decent materials and a better curriculum, and a higher salary for the teachers who are so sacrificial.

Next time, I'm going to bring something special for Mark and the teacher. I cannot wait to go back.

Injured

2009-08-17T06:02:00.000-05:00

I twisted my ankle and I didn't go to school today due to the severe pain. My foot's pretty much swollen and wrapped in a bandage.

It's hard to move around and whenever I do move around, it freakin hurts! I have to go to school tomorrow in CRUTCHES. Crutches!!!

Gosh, I am so unlucky. The floors in school are really slippery, and my classroom's very far. I don't know what to do. I wish someone would help me. My bag's really heavy and I have so much things to carry, then I have to use crutches and everything.

Sigh.

A tug of compassion

2009-08-15T00:21:00.000-05:00

I went to Eastwood yesterday with Joaquin and some of his classmates.

We were sitting down, eating our pizza, when I noticed a lady holding a stack of magazines. She walked towards us with confidence and a mixture of hope, and held up her magazines.

The magazines were called 'Jeepney', and its contents were all about the poor people in poverty, the people living in the streets, and people who couldn't afford to buy a decent meal. Turns out, a kind American missionary offered to publish those magazines to make a living. 50% of the money goes to the publishing company for them to make more of the magazines, and the remaining percent goes to the vendor.

I felt really bad so I decided to buy 2 magazines. They were decent enough, and an eye-opener. There were 3 vendors, and I felt bad for the other 2 vendors who couldn't seem to sell their product. Turns out, you keep 50% of what you earn. You don't share it with your co-workers. So your job is to sell as much as you can.

I wasn't able to buy from the 2 other vendors and I felt really terrible about it. I wanted to help them out, but I didn't have much money. I hope they're doing well. I felt awful when I saw those 3 vendors running after people and trying to convince them to purchase at least one. But as usual, majority of them ignored the sellers and focused on different subjects instead.

I read the magazines and it portrayed an economic imbalance. The rich are getting richer, and the poor are getting poorer. There are many changes to be made. What I see now is injustice and inequality. Many people are starving to death, and here we are, ignorant and insensitive to those who are less fortunate then we.

I am determined to pursue law, and maybe I can run for public office someday. Forget all my problems and hardships. There're issues bigger than mine, some cannot be fixed. People out there need help. The government is not doing anything, or if they are, they aren't doing their best.

Certain ameliorations have to be done, and I am going to start today. I am motivated to study hard and pursue knowledge. I want to serve my country, and maybe someday, there'll be no more homeless people, for they will have houses, jobs, and food. That is my vision, but my mission is to do well in my academics to be able to fulfill that vision.

Holding on

2009-08-11T06:07:00.000-05:00

I often wonder why life has been so harsh. Too much pain and turmoil has been inflicted on my very heart. It amazes me, really.

Today went by fast, and for some reason, I didn't seem to care much. I didn't care that my test results weren't as high as last year's, I didn't care that I totally suck in Filipino, and I don't care if it's Lady Gaga's concert today.

I'm numb, angry, and upset all at the same time.

Maybe it's because I still don't understand why life has been treating me so unfairly. Maybe it's because my life is just so disorganized and I don't know how to rearrange it.

I am Esther Batungbacal, who lives for justice, respect, and order. I can't stand it when things go wrong, because I don't have a plan B. There's no plan B for me, only plan A. Maybe it's about time I include compromises and alternatives, so I wouldn't be that infuriated.

All my life, I tried not to fight back or show people my assertive side. But I'm over it. I'm through with looking like a pushover.

Take me away

2009-08-10T05:56:00.000-05:00

First quarter exams are finally over. One down, three more.

Yesterday was the Ateneo VS the De La Salle game. It was a close fight, and there was overtime. I was trying to study for French, but my eyes were glued to the screen and I couldn't help but let out a victory shriek everytime DLSU scored.

Okay, I want to go to ADMU or UP Dili for college, but I'm loyal to the DLSU team. It's sad that most of the awesome players are gone, and that the people remaining in the team are rookies. Oh well, you never can say.

I made a bet with Josh. If DLSU won, I get a bag full of Jellybeans. I love Jellybeans! If ADMU won (and they did), I have to treat him to a creamy frozen yogurt made by Red Mango. Sheesh, so much for feeling lucky. Haha.

Anyway, moving on, I found out last night that all the plans were set. My parents are leaving for LA on September 1, and they'll probably reside there for 3 months to be able to grant me an immigrant visa. They already filed letters to school authorities, because sometime in October, I'm going to be called by the embassy and take the first flight out of here to America. I get to stay there for 2-3 weeks to fix my papers. How awesome is that?

I honestly can't wait to move out of the Philippines, even if it's only for 2-3 weeks. I get to miss most of 3rd Quarter, but my teachers said that they will email me whatever stuff I need to do, plus I'm bringing all my textbooks and notebooks with me so no problem.

This is the big break I've been waiting for. Too bad it's not for good, but it will be--soon. After a year in college here, I'm moving out because by then, I'll already be a dual citizen.

On the edge

2009-08-09T05:10:00.000-05:00

Lately, I've been cautious with my actions and responses, hoping for a better perspective in life. I tried my best to treat everyone fairly. I am tired, drained, and exhausted.

I'm done studying for Physics and Economics, and all I have to do is study for French. Challenging, huh.

I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone, not even my family or my best friend. I feel drained and something's not right. I'm not really an introvert, but so far I've been acting like one. How utterly puzzling.

Sometimes, I just want to quit. I'm tired-- physically, mentally, and emotionally. I don't know who my real friends are nowadays, I don't know who I can bank on. My best friend doesn't go to school with me, and sometimes I wish that he and I were classmates so life'd be easier for me.

How ridiculous, I'm actually thinking that life would go easy on me. I feel uneasy whenever people would ask if I'm okay. The thing is, I'm never okay. I don't know how to respond. I just do my automatic reaction: to smile brightly and say 'Yes, I'm okay." Isn't that terrible? My life has been a mess, and I can't seem to understand it. I'm just really worn out.

I just want to move out to someplace quiet. To a place where people wouldn't find anything wrong with me, or judge me, or spread rumors about me.

Rain outside my window

2009-08-05T00:10:00.000-05:00

No classes today, thank goodness.

I woke up early to review for my exam tomorrow, which was difficult for me due to the rain and cool weather that makes you want to sleep in. I love the weather today, because it's been raining hard and it's been chilly.

So far, I've finished reviewing for CL. I've also finished my Lab Report, so all I have to do is review for Filipino and Research. I can't believe it, first quarter is almost over. Three quarters to go.

After my exams, I plan to study immediately for the ACET. I don't want the test to take me by surprise, just like what the UPCAT did. I want to be prepared and ready. I'm not so sure if I'm going to pass the UPCAT, but I want to be a hundred percent sure that I'm going to pass the ACET.
It's my last resort.

I need more prayers too. I pray that somehow, my performance in the UPCAT would miraculously turn into excellence and when I get the envelope next year, it would say 'PASSED' in big block letters. A girl can dream. I hope to pass the ACET too.

Anyway, I'm going ot focus on my periodic exams first. I need to pull my grades up because I'm aiming for honors and a higher level in ranking. Last year, I was part of the upper 25% all the way, which was difficult to maintain. Now, I'm aiming to be part of the upper 10%, which would be more challenging, but I know I can do it with God's help.

3 quarters and 7 months to go.

Toxic week

2009-08-04T07:47:00.000-05:00

I am so stressed out!

Thank God we have no classes tomorrow (due to the death of our former president C. Aquino) but I'm afraid I'll spend the whole day studying.

You see, it's our exam week. Kindov. We have exams on Thursday, Friday, and next Monday. What a schedule, but personally, I love it. We have the weekend to study for French, Economics, and Physics. Physics and French.. gah. Economics isn't so bad. I already reviewed my notes, and all I have to do is read the Student's Digest, which will probably appear in the test.

I haven't had enough sleep for the past WEEKS because of the UPCAT, and now I am in dire need of rest. Unfortunately, I have to review for CL, Filipino, and Research. Oh, and I have to do a Lab Report.

I'm so sleepy, and I don't know where to start.

Oh gosh, this is only the first quarter, and I feel like it's already the last. Senior year's just insane.

7 months to go...

A bitter heart

2009-08-03T08:21:00.000-05:00

I took the UPCAT yesterday. 6:30 in the morning, with Cam.

BLOODY HELL!!!!

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I felt.. Vulnerable, depleted, and inferior. All the things I studied in Math DID NOT COME OUT OF IN THE EXAM! It consisted of synthesized questions that required logical reasoning and fast thinking. Not much equations or analytical geometry. Not a single question on Trigonometry.

Isn't that sad? In the Math section, majority were time-consuming questions, such as: "Eric lied, because exactly ten days ago, he said that today is Friday. Which is not true? A) Today is Monday B) Tomorrow is Thursday..."

How very time-consuming. I had 40 more questions to answer, and to my dismay, we only had 2 minutes left. TWO FREAKING MINUTES! I began to cry openly, and the kind-hearted proctor noticed and asked me why I was crying. I said that I still had 40 questions to go, and time was short.

He gave me a sympathetic look, and told me to make up for the unanswered items by doing great in the Reading Comprehension. To my surprise, the Reading Comprehension was just brutal. All the passages were lengthy, laborious-- and BORING.

The proctor was nice enough, and he collected my paper last, giving me teeny extra minutes. But it's not like it made a difference. I lost confidence right there on the spot.

It's all up to God now, but I know I did my best. I worked hard and studied. I poured out my heart, soul, and spare time for this. I even skipped two days of school to study for the UPCAT. Deep down, I know I aced the Language Proficiency Test and the Science Test.

Hopefully, I pass, despite the blanks and errors marked on my answer sheet.

Mixed up

2009-07-29T06:36:00.000-05:00

The day started out bad.

I'm really pressured, knowing fully well that the UPCAT is only four days away. OH MY GOSH! Somehow, I am not prepared. I still have to master Geometry and a bit of Chemistry and simple Algebra problems.

I've been b*tching out lately, and neglecting my studies and school work. Reviewing for the UPCAT is my priority, and it pretty much sucks because I'm getting low in my quizzes. In English, I was shocked to see three mistakes in my quiz paper. I ALWAYS perfect my English quizzes, and I'm running for honors. That might dampen my record.

I failed a quiz in Math FOR THE FIRST TIME. I felt really terrible about it. I understood the topic perfectly, but I guess I wasn't focused.

I have to pass the UPCAT. I really do, I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't. I'm wokring hard and studying my butt out. I've lost so much weight too, and I've been breaking out.

I have a strange feeling that I'm going to get my monthly visit during the UPCAT. God forbid! I'm already PMS-ing and snapping at people. I wish life would stop for a moment. I want to rest for awhile.

Then again, life doesn't stop for anyone. UGH! I have so much problems already, so much burdens to carry.

4 days to go.

8 months to go...

UPCAT Schedule

2009-07-28T06:50:00.000-05:00

I got my test permit for the UPCAT today, and I am beyond thrilled.

I'm taking my test on the 2nd of August, 6:30am at the Institute of Physics. The people who have the same schedule are Cam and Talia. Yay! Oh, and Jake too. Awesome! More familiar faces.

I'm doing my best to prepare, and hopefully I can answer most of the items CORRECTLY. It's right minus wrong, and I think I'm not ready for the Science part yet. I'm not so sure about Math either, but I plan to do excellently in the English and Filipino part.

I swear, I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't make it. I pray that I pass with flying colors because I want to go to UP terribly.

I already stuck post-its all over my room, reminding me to bring my test permit. Now, the test permit is crucial, and if I accidentally leave my permit at home.. Well, that would be too terrible-- and horrifying! And too painful to bear.

Imagine preparing for the UPCAT and then you realize that you left your permit and you cannot take the test. Ugh, scratch that thought.

Well anyway, I'm off to study some more. PLEASE DO PRAY FOR ME, ALL YOU KIND-HEARTED PEOPLE, THAT I PASS THE UPCAT WITH FLYING COLORS. NOT wait-listed please, or NOT rejected. Please please please include me in your prayers.

UP is the place to be

2009-07-26T07:32:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I had my simulation for the UPCAT in LSC. I came late due to heavy traffic, but I was able to catch up with the rest of the students.

From 1-5pm, the room was silent with the occasional sounds of the people erasing and flipping their booklets.

By the time I reached the Science part, my brain was exhausted. I tried my best to remain composed, willing myself to function and saying to myself that there're only a few more items to go. I'm not sure if I did good, but I was able to answer a lot of items, and that's what matters.

I want to pass UP Diliman and Ateneo, but I would go to UP if I were given the chance. I take my SAT in October, and hopefully I pass that too. I'm planning to spend a year in college here, then apply for either Cornel, Columbia, or Dartmouth. I can't wait to get out of here.

As of now, I have so much problems and I don't know how to feel. It overwhelms me though, and I'm just glad that there're no classes tomorrow. I'm tired, and I need a break.

Eye of the storm

2009-07-24T08:02:00.000-05:00

I didn't go to school today because I had to fix my papers and everything at the NBI.

It was tiring, because we had to wait for a long time. I brought my Biology notebook with me so I can study for the UPCAT while waiting.

My parents took me out for dinner. We ate in Pepper Lunch, my favorite Japanese restaurant. I lost weight because I haven't been able to eat much due to stress and depression, and for the first time ever, I was really famished and I gobbled up my food.

I don't really have much to say-- at least not now. Not in the mood.

All I can say is that, I AM ANGRY. I found out that there're rumors about me, and it's really disturbing. I tried to contain myself throughout all my years in St. Paul. But now, it's too much. Below the belt, and really offensive.

My sleeping giant of anger has awoken-- and it's pissed. Let's see how they will face the eye of the storm. Enough is enough.

Trapped

2009-07-23T06:29:00.000-05:00

I had my tutorials today and I was able to study Trigonometry.

I really love Trigo, and I enjoyed answering the problems provided. I did it in a matter of minutes, and got most of the questions. Some of my mistakes were because of my carelessness. Like, I know the answer is C but I would accidentally shade A. Something like that. I should avoid being careless, because I cannot risk anything during the CET.

Tomorrow, I'm going to study Geometry. HELP! I'm really bad with shapes and circles. And finding the area of the shaded region, stuff like that. I hope that I will be able to answer CORRECTLY majority of the items in the CET.

I really want to study in UP Dili, more than anything. Ugh, greener pastures. As of now, I'm still in the 'wilderness'. I need hope, and most probably a miracle.

School has been drastic lately. I'm doing fine in all my subjects, but I'm having a hard time with maintaining relationships. I just feel sad most of the time. I don't feel like talking to anyone, and my desperate attempts on being bubbly wears me out.

I wish I could move out already. I'm sure my batch mates would love that too. I know they hate me, and the feeling's mutual. Given the chance, I would've moved to another school. But I'm already a senior, and it's too late. I only go to school for education.

It's difficult for me every day. Each morning, I struggle. 80% of me longs for resignation, but why give my school mates the satisfaction? So I go to school and watch the time go by, which moves really SLOWLY.

Eight months to go.. Seems like forever.

Best news

2009-07-23T01:42:00.000-05:00

I'm in school right now, believe it or not.

Our Physics teacher made us go to the E-classroom in school to work on our IP topic proposal. Fortunately, I finished ours (by myself) and passed it last Monday so this means free time for me and my group.

My groupmates are all going crazy over Facebook and Tumblr, but I opted to use my time to blog and study a bit for the UPCAT. Later, I'm going to study Geometry and Trigonometry with my tutor. How very productive of me. Haha.

My teacher told me that our topic proposal was by far the best and the most interesting. It's about the different forces, momentum, and gravitational pull in figure skating. He told us to make a video and it's really easy for us because some of my friends are part of the Philippine Team of Ice Skating so.. piece of cake.

The only challenging part is to add arrows and figures in the video, but my seatmate is very techy-savvy so it shouldn't be a problem.

I'm looking forward to our experiment. We are all going ice skating! How cool is that? And the best part is, it will be a total distraction for me.

I've been going through a lot recently, and I feel absolutely lethargic. I just want to focus on my studies, aspirations, goals, and achievements. I don't want to think about problems. I make sure that I keep myself busy.

It freaks me out whenever I don't HAVE ANYTHING TO DO, because my situations engulf me, and I do not like that. I end up crying eventually. Depression sucks.

Anyway, I'm gonna blog some more tonight. My 5 minutes of blogging is up, and it's time to tear myself away from the computer and hit my Science books.

Focused

2009-07-22T06:52:00.000-05:00

I am beyond motivated.

As of now, I have one main goal: TO PASS THE UPCAT. Pass or HANG (literally), because my future depends on it.

I realized that I want to go to UP Diliman more than anything. Of course, I would want to pass the ACET and the DLSU-CET too, but my first priority is to get into UP Dili.

I've been reviewing like crazy, trying to remember all the things I have studied three-four years ago. I've never been this determined, and I realized that I HAVE to pass. I would not know what to do if I don't pass.

I've also been trying to balance my school work and review sessions, plus looking at the dictionary once in awhile to discern more unfamiliar words that have a 50% probability of appearing in the UPCAT.

Next week, I'm going to review my Chemistry and all the conversions. I know I can do it. I have to do it. UP is the golden ticket to greener pastures, and I'm competing with 69,000 other people.

What are the odds? No idea.

Lord, please hear my prayers. I'm already going through a lot, in terms of school and the people in it. This is the one thing I ask: help me pass the UPCAT. It's what my heart desires, and I'm also doing my part.

If I do pass the UPCAT or the ACET, I'm going to work dilligently and spend at least one year here. My papers would have been fixed by then, and my dad's citizenship would be transferred unto me. And after one year, I'm off to another country-- for good.

How awesome is that? A fresh start in a place where NO ONE knows me. Finally, a second chance. I'm also preparing for the SAT so I can secure a slot in one of the universities there.

So looking forward to it, and praying HARD for it.

Withdrawal

2009-07-21T06:16:00.000-05:00

I am done relying on people.

Why depend on others when you can get things done yourself? Or why put your trust in friendships when people will change and who knows, maybe turn their backs on you?

Burning bridges, back to where I started. I guess it's so much better to distance myself, rather than cling unto people who I'm afraid to lose. What's the point if people eventually get tired of the familiarity?

Why trust those who you think you're close to, when they will eventually do something to hurt you?

Numbness is all I ever wanted, and it makes life so much easier. I'm not afraid to eat alone now, or walk along the halls ALONE. I have to depend on myself and get used to getting everything done without any companions. At least you can get things done faster.

I feel numb, and heartless. Or maybe I just don't care anymore. I have better things to do, like pass the UPCAT, ACET, DLSU-CET, SAT, etc. I plan to work really hard and spend a year in hopefully Ateneo or UP Diliman, then I'm off to America for the universities they have to offer.

Nothing is more pleasant than a FRESH start. And I am looking forward to that. I'm done with all the labeling and gossiping and betrayals life has to offer. I actually don't understand why people can be so freakin shallow. Why do they even gang up on others, and single out the underdogs of this world?