Today's May 7. The birthday of my sister and my friend Drei Valencia. Happy birthday!

Moving on...


I've been feeling choleric lately. What I'm about to write is not absolute. There are many things that I would want to take back someday. For now, I shall vent. I'm engulfed with mixed emotions such as bitterness, inferiority, vehemence, and iniquity.

This morning, I got into a controversy with my parents. I was innocently getting ready for class when my mom entered the room. She has the tendency to hover, and I dislike it when people hover. We had a misunderstanding over a jacket of mine and we both lost it. She started shouting and speaking in an angry manner, and I felt my need for defense.

My dad heard us from the other room and immediately barged in (thanks to the stupid connecting door) to scold me. How I despise that connecting door. It never gave me any privacy. It leads to my parents' room and vice versa. The lock is on their side, so there's no way I can lock the door. Every now and then, my mom uses it to go in and out of my room, barging in and sometimes forgetting to close it. And yes, she hovers. They barely respect my privacy (especially my mom) and I have to be accountable to them by letting them know the passwords of my accounts. Oh I'm NOT allowed to keep a diary. Well technically, I am, but what's the point of having a diary when your mom makes you show it to her so she can read everything? I keep my deepest thoughts to myself due to that.

Of course, my dad always sides with my mom (duh) and he NEVER listened to my side. I always have to be the one to apologize, and my dad doesn't want to process the things I say. It has always been like that. I begin to explain my side and he interrupts by saying a favorite line of his: "You know Esther, rather than defending yourself, just say sorry and the conversation would be over." Excuse me?! Lack of justice.

So yeah that's how the conversation went earlier. My dad didn't even know the main issue, but he focused on my mistake which was disrespect. He threatened to cancel my summer program and he refused to drive me to LSC. I'm willing to say sorry, but I wish he would somehow listen to me, and not always side with my mom. She's not perfect either, and she makes mistakes too-- but I always take the blame during our constant bickering. I felt extremely turbulent.

Sure, I love my parents and we don't always have disputes. We get along too, but I find myself trapped in this black hole, because I can never reason out with them. Even when they're wrong, I can NEVER explain my side. I'm releasing everything through blogging, so that I am able to shape up later during dinner. I can never express my anger and bitterness whenever I'm with them. My dad HATES it when I cry. He makes me STOP crying because he claims that he doesn't like the sniffling and sobbing sounds. Wow, I'm not allowed to cry my heart out openly. Instead, I let it all out when I'm in the shower, or when I'm alone.

The weather's perfect. Dark and stormy, with lightning and thunder. I tried my best to keep my cool. During the car ride going home, I tried to sound pleasant by initiating a conversation. It all went well until when we got home. I turned on the TV to watch American Idol. Ryan Seacrest was about to anounce who was going to get sent home then my mom told me to switch channels. She wanted to watch the news and weather forecast because my sister has a team building thing in Subic tomorrow. Our family does not take leisure in watching TV, so we only have one. I walked away in a huff because I wasn't able to find out who lost.

Maybe the TV incident's not really such a big deal, but like I said, too many resentments and bitterness have piled up. One slight maneuver, and BANG! There goes the trigger.

Life's really unfair, especially when your dad refuses to hear you out. The worse part is, his words really HURT. He says the same things over and over, like a broken record. He refers to me as an 'ungrateful wretch'. Ouch, big time. That smarts.

He's a great dad, but I wish he could be more understanding, rather than siding with my mom all the time. He doesn't even know what we fight about, but he doesn't care. He just turns to me and begins to rant on cancelling all my priveleges, etc. I don't want the night to end like this. I want to make things right with my parents. And I am going to try. And try really hard.









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