I finally started my soccer training today.

For a moment, I forgot what it felt like to be on the field under the blazing sun. We jogged for the longest time, and I could feel my sweat from head to toe. And you know what?

IT FELT FREAKING AWESOME!

One of the best. The coaches noticed how much I've improved and offered to promote me to a higher level. Isn't that wonderful? It's my last year in school and I want to do my best. We are also going to have tournaments and competitions etc.

I just realized how much I love soccer. I love jogging and feeling the sweat drip on my back. I love stretching and getting thirsty afterwards. I enjoy the PAIN I experience the next day. It's like a badge of honor, and it proves how hard I worked and that it's all worth it. After all, no pain, no glory.

/ top

Bad day.

Today's probably one of my worst days. I got low in my Physics quiz, failed in my French exam, got stuck in a REALLY bad seat, and still friendless. So what's new.

I'm not in the mood to write anything inspirational or positive. It's hard when your friends are all in another section, and sometimes you can't help but lose connection between them. I don't know who to trust anymore, and I can't help but feel terrible.

I know that some of them don't like me as much and sometimes I FEEL that they have the tendency to talk behind my back, not include me in their fun, etc. I feel out of place, and sometimes sad. It's as if they've forgotten the many months we shared together last school year. People are often forgetful.

Me being put in another section has been a challenge, and I've been observing my friends. I was hoping to see who really are my true friends, but I don't think I have anyone left. I can't believe I called them 'friends' to begin with. I was so naive, easily trusting in others, and in the end I always get stabbed in the back But I've learned my lesson. I know better now.

I'm starting to choose my friends WISELY. It gets harder and harder everyday. I only have one best friend as of now, but too bad he goes to a different school.

7 months to go.. And counting.

/ top

Today, my section and I visited this public school in Bagong Ilog. It's like an outreach thing, and we get to teach grade school kids. We are assigned to a maximum of 2 students. I got assigned to only one pupil, and his name's Mark. He's in the second grade.

When we arrived, I was surprised by the number of students per classroom. At first, I stood outside the door and took it all in. I love to watch and observe people. I enjoy watching their mannerisms, their movements, etc.

The teacher was trying her best to silence the students, and little by little, the chaos ceased. I saw the teacher's desk piled with notebooks and papers, and I immediately felt bad for her. The ratio of teacher to student is one is to too MUCH.

So anyway, I approached Mark and tried to get to know him. But he's only a kid, and kids easily get distracted. So I produced a coloring page from my filecase and asked him if he wanted to color. He smiled and nodded his head and reached into his backpack for a box of crayons. I showed him my unused 36 pieces Faber Castel colored pencils and I asked him if he wanted to use it.

I could see his eyes twinkling and shining, as he longingly stared at the colored pencils in front of him. I lent it to him and I didn't really mind if he was disarranging the set and getting the points blunt and everything. I wanted to help him. No wait, not just him, but the whole school.

After our coloring activity, we got sandwiches and juice for the kids. I got an extra sandwich and a juice box and discreetly went upstairs. I saw the teacher hunched over, checking papers and notebooks. I gave her the sandwich and juice, and she flashed me a grateful smile. It felt wonderful. If I were to repeat the scene over and over again, I would.

Before leaving, I gave Mark a plastic envelope with a notebook and two pencils inside. I could tell he was happy. I didn't want to leave, but apparently all good things must come to an end.

This is an example of an irreplaceable scenario. I'm glad God allowed me to have a compassionate heart, and someday I am going to help these people. I am going to try to provide them with decent materials and a better curriculum, and a higher salary for the teachers who are so sacrificial.

Next time, I'm going to bring something special for Mark and the teacher. I cannot wait to go back.

/ top

I twisted my ankle and I didn't go to school today due to the severe pain. My foot's pretty much swollen and wrapped in a bandage.

It's hard to move around and whenever I do move around, it freakin hurts! I have to go to school tomorrow in CRUTCHES. Crutches!!!

Gosh, I am so unlucky. The floors in school are really slippery, and my classroom's very far. I don't know what to do. I wish someone would help me. My bag's really heavy and I have so much things to carry, then I have to use crutches and everything.

Sigh.

/ top

I went to Eastwood yesterday with Joaquin and some of his classmates.

We were sitting down, eating our pizza, when I noticed a lady holding a stack of magazines. She walked towards us with confidence and a mixture of hope, and held up her magazines.

The magazines were called 'Jeepney', and its contents were all about the poor people in poverty, the people living in the streets, and people who couldn't afford to buy a decent meal. Turns out, a kind American missionary offered to publish those magazines to make a living. 50% of the money goes to the publishing company for them to make more of the magazines, and the remaining percent goes to the vendor.

I felt really bad so I decided to buy 2 magazines. They were decent enough, and an eye-opener. There were 3 vendors, and I felt bad for the other 2 vendors who couldn't seem to sell their product. Turns out, you keep 50% of what you earn. You don't share it with your co-workers. So your job is to sell as much as you can.

I wasn't able to buy from the 2 other vendors and I felt really terrible about it. I wanted to help them out, but I didn't have much money. I hope they're doing well. I felt awful when I saw those 3 vendors running after people and trying to convince them to purchase at least one. But as usual, majority of them ignored the sellers and focused on different subjects instead.

I read the magazines and it portrayed an economic imbalance. The rich are getting richer, and the poor are getting poorer. There are many changes to be made. What I see now is injustice and inequality. Many people are starving to death, and here we are, ignorant and insensitive to those who are less fortunate then we.

I am determined to pursue law, and maybe I can run for public office someday. Forget all my problems and hardships. There're issues bigger than mine, some cannot be fixed. People out there need help. The government is not doing anything, or if they are, they aren't doing their best.

Certain ameliorations have to be done, and I am going to start today. I am motivated to study hard and pursue knowledge. I want to serve my country, and maybe someday, there'll be no more homeless people, for they will have houses, jobs, and food. That is my vision, but my mission is to do well in my academics to be able to fulfill that vision.

/ top

I often wonder why life has been so harsh. Too much pain and turmoil has been inflicted on my very heart. It amazes me, really.

Today went by fast, and for some reason, I didn't seem to care much. I didn't care that my test results weren't as high as last year's, I didn't care that I totally suck in Filipino, and I don't care if it's Lady Gaga's concert today.

I'm numb, angry, and upset all at the same time.

Maybe it's because I still don't understand why life has been treating me so unfairly. Maybe it's because my life is just so disorganized and I don't know how to rearrange it.

I am Esther Batungbacal, who lives for justice, respect, and order. I can't stand it when things go wrong, because I don't have a plan B. There's no plan B for me, only plan A. Maybe it's about time I include compromises and alternatives, so I wouldn't be that infuriated.

All my life, I tried not to fight back or show people my assertive side. But I'm over it. I'm through with looking like a pushover.

/ top

First quarter exams are finally over. One down, three more.

Yesterday was the Ateneo VS the De La Salle game. It was a close fight, and there was overtime. I was trying to study for French, but my eyes were glued to the screen and I couldn't help but let out a victory shriek everytime DLSU scored.

Okay, I want to go to ADMU or UP Dili for college, but I'm loyal to the DLSU team. It's sad that most of the awesome players are gone, and that the people remaining in the team are rookies. Oh well, you never can say.

I made a bet with Josh. If DLSU won, I get a bag full of Jellybeans. I love Jellybeans! If ADMU won (and they did), I have to treat him to a creamy frozen yogurt made by Red Mango. Sheesh, so much for feeling lucky. Haha.

Anyway, moving on, I found out last night that all the plans were set. My parents are leaving for LA on September 1, and they'll probably reside there for 3 months to be able to grant me an immigrant visa. They already filed letters to school authorities, because sometime in October, I'm going to be called by the embassy and take the first flight out of here to America. I get to stay there for 2-3 weeks to fix my papers. How awesome is that?

I honestly can't wait to move out of the Philippines, even if it's only for 2-3 weeks. I get to miss most of 3rd Quarter, but my teachers said that they will email me whatever stuff I need to do, plus I'm bringing all my textbooks and notebooks with me so no problem.

This is the big break I've been waiting for. Too bad it's not for good, but it will be--soon. After a year in college here, I'm moving out because by then, I'll already be a dual citizen.

/ top

Lately, I've been cautious with my actions and responses, hoping for a better perspective in life. I tried my best to treat everyone fairly. I am tired, drained, and exhausted.

I'm done studying for Physics and Economics, and all I have to do is study for French. Challenging, huh.

I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone, not even my family or my best friend. I feel drained and something's not right. I'm not really an introvert, but so far I've been acting like one. How utterly puzzling.

Sometimes, I just want to quit. I'm tired-- physically, mentally, and emotionally. I don't know who my real friends are nowadays, I don't know who I can bank on. My best friend doesn't go to school with me, and sometimes I wish that he and I were classmates so life'd be easier for me.

How ridiculous, I'm actually thinking that life would go easy on me. I feel uneasy whenever people would ask if I'm okay. The thing is, I'm never okay. I don't know how to respond. I just do my automatic reaction: to smile brightly and say 'Yes, I'm okay." Isn't that terrible? My life has been a mess, and I can't seem to understand it. I'm just really worn out.

I just want to move out to someplace quiet. To a place where people wouldn't find anything wrong with me, or judge me, or spread rumors about me.

/ top

No classes today, thank goodness.

I woke up early to review for my exam tomorrow, which was difficult for me due to the rain and cool weather that makes you want to sleep in. I love the weather today, because it's been raining hard and it's been chilly.

So far, I've finished reviewing for CL. I've also finished my Lab Report, so all I have to do is review for Filipino and Research. I can't believe it, first quarter is almost over. Three quarters to go.

After my exams, I plan to study immediately for the ACET. I don't want the test to take me by surprise, just like what the UPCAT did. I want to be prepared and ready. I'm not so sure if I'm going to pass the UPCAT, but I want to be a hundred percent sure that I'm going to pass the ACET.
It's my last resort.

I need more prayers too. I pray that somehow, my performance in the UPCAT would miraculously turn into excellence and when I get the envelope next year, it would say 'PASSED' in big block letters. A girl can dream. I hope to pass the ACET too.

Anyway, I'm going ot focus on my periodic exams first. I need to pull my grades up because I'm aiming for honors and a higher level in ranking. Last year, I was part of the upper 25% all the way, which was difficult to maintain. Now, I'm aiming to be part of the upper 10%, which would be more challenging, but I know I can do it with God's help.

3 quarters and 7 months to go.

/ top

I am so stressed out!

Thank God we have no classes tomorrow (due to the death of our former president C. Aquino) but I'm afraid I'll spend the whole day studying.

You see, it's our exam week. Kindov. We have exams on Thursday, Friday, and next Monday. What a schedule, but personally, I love it. We have the weekend to study for French, Economics, and Physics. Physics and French.. gah. Economics isn't so bad. I already reviewed my notes, and all I have to do is read the Student's Digest, which will probably appear in the test.

I haven't had enough sleep for the past WEEKS because of the UPCAT, and now I am in dire need of rest. Unfortunately, I have to review for CL, Filipino, and Research. Oh, and I have to do a Lab Report.

I'm so sleepy, and I don't know where to start.

Oh gosh, this is only the first quarter, and I feel like it's already the last. Senior year's just insane.

7 months to go...

/ top

I took the UPCAT yesterday. 6:30 in the morning, with Cam.

BLOODY HELL!!!!

asdfjkl;!@#@$Q%$%^^&@asfak;haoi;enfaskl;nfaslkjgna

I felt.. Vulnerable, depleted, and inferior. All the things I studied in Math DID NOT COME OUT OF IN THE EXAM! It consisted of synthesized questions that required logical reasoning and fast thinking. Not much equations or analytical geometry. Not a single question on Trigonometry.

Isn't that sad? In the Math section, majority were time-consuming questions, such as: "Eric lied, because exactly ten days ago, he said that today is Friday. Which is not true? A) Today is Monday B) Tomorrow is Thursday..."

How very time-consuming. I had 40 more questions to answer, and to my dismay, we only had 2 minutes left. TWO FREAKING MINUTES! I began to cry openly, and the kind-hearted proctor noticed and asked me why I was crying. I said that I still had 40 questions to go, and time was short.

He gave me a sympathetic look, and told me to make up for the unanswered items by doing great in the Reading Comprehension. To my surprise, the Reading Comprehension was just brutal. All the passages were lengthy, laborious-- and BORING.

The proctor was nice enough, and he collected my paper last, giving me teeny extra minutes. But it's not like it made a difference. I lost confidence right there on the spot.

It's all up to God now, but I know I did my best. I worked hard and studied. I poured out my heart, soul, and spare time for this. I even skipped two days of school to study for the UPCAT. Deep down, I know I aced the Language Proficiency Test and the Science Test.

Hopefully, I pass, despite the blanks and errors marked on my answer sheet.

/ top