The day started out bad.

I'm really pressured, knowing fully well that the UPCAT is only four days away. OH MY GOSH! Somehow, I am not prepared. I still have to master Geometry and a bit of Chemistry and simple Algebra problems.

I've been b*tching out lately, and neglecting my studies and school work. Reviewing for the UPCAT is my priority, and it pretty much sucks because I'm getting low in my quizzes. In English, I was shocked to see three mistakes in my quiz paper. I ALWAYS perfect my English quizzes, and I'm running for honors. That might dampen my record.

I failed a quiz in Math FOR THE FIRST TIME. I felt really terrible about it. I understood the topic perfectly, but I guess I wasn't focused.

I have to pass the UPCAT. I really do, I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't. I'm wokring hard and studying my butt out. I've lost so much weight too, and I've been breaking out.

I have a strange feeling that I'm going to get my monthly visit during the UPCAT. God forbid! I'm already PMS-ing and snapping at people. I wish life would stop for a moment. I want to rest for awhile.

Then again, life doesn't stop for anyone. UGH! I have so much problems already, so much burdens to carry.

4 days to go.

8 months to go...

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I got my test permit for the UPCAT today, and I am beyond thrilled.

I'm taking my test on the 2nd of August, 6:30am at the Institute of Physics. The people who have the same schedule are Cam and Talia. Yay! Oh, and Jake too. Awesome! More familiar faces.

I'm doing my best to prepare, and hopefully I can answer most of the items CORRECTLY. It's right minus wrong, and I think I'm not ready for the Science part yet. I'm not so sure about Math either, but I plan to do excellently in the English and Filipino part.

I swear, I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't make it. I pray that I pass with flying colors because I want to go to UP terribly.

I already stuck post-its all over my room, reminding me to bring my test permit. Now, the test permit is crucial, and if I accidentally leave my permit at home.. Well, that would be too terrible-- and horrifying! And too painful to bear.

Imagine preparing for the UPCAT and then you realize that you left your permit and you cannot take the test. Ugh, scratch that thought.

Well anyway, I'm off to study some more. PLEASE DO PRAY FOR ME, ALL YOU KIND-HEARTED PEOPLE, THAT I PASS THE UPCAT WITH FLYING COLORS. NOT wait-listed please, or NOT rejected. Please please please include me in your prayers.

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Yesterday, I had my simulation for the UPCAT in LSC. I came late due to heavy traffic, but I was able to catch up with the rest of the students.

From 1-5pm, the room was silent with the occasional sounds of the people erasing and flipping their booklets.

By the time I reached the Science part, my brain was exhausted. I tried my best to remain composed, willing myself to function and saying to myself that there're only a few more items to go. I'm not sure if I did good, but I was able to answer a lot of items, and that's what matters.

I want to pass UP Diliman and Ateneo, but I would go to UP if I were given the chance. I take my SAT in October, and hopefully I pass that too. I'm planning to spend a year in college here, then apply for either Cornel, Columbia, or Dartmouth. I can't wait to get out of here.

As of now, I have so much problems and I don't know how to feel. It overwhelms me though, and I'm just glad that there're no classes tomorrow. I'm tired, and I need a break.

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I didn't go to school today because I had to fix my papers and everything at the NBI.

It was tiring, because we had to wait for a long time. I brought my Biology notebook with me so I can study for the UPCAT while waiting.

My parents took me out for dinner. We ate in Pepper Lunch, my favorite Japanese restaurant. I lost weight because I haven't been able to eat much due to stress and depression, and for the first time ever, I was really famished and I gobbled up my food.

I don't really have much to say-- at least not now. Not in the mood.

All I can say is that, I AM ANGRY. I found out that there're rumors about me, and it's really disturbing. I tried to contain myself throughout all my years in St. Paul. But now, it's too much. Below the belt, and really offensive.

My sleeping giant of anger has awoken-- and it's pissed. Let's see how they will face the eye of the storm. Enough is enough.

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I had my tutorials today and I was able to study Trigonometry.

I really love Trigo, and I enjoyed answering the problems provided. I did it in a matter of minutes, and got most of the questions. Some of my mistakes were because of my carelessness. Like, I know the answer is C but I would accidentally shade A. Something like that. I should avoid being careless, because I cannot risk anything during the CET.

Tomorrow, I'm going to study Geometry. HELP! I'm really bad with shapes and circles. And finding the area of the shaded region, stuff like that. I hope that I will be able to answer CORRECTLY majority of the items in the CET.

I really want to study in UP Dili, more than anything. Ugh, greener pastures. As of now, I'm still in the 'wilderness'. I need hope, and most probably a miracle.

School has been drastic lately. I'm doing fine in all my subjects, but I'm having a hard time with maintaining relationships. I just feel sad most of the time. I don't feel like talking to anyone, and my desperate attempts on being bubbly wears me out.

I wish I could move out already. I'm sure my batch mates would love that too. I know they hate me, and the feeling's mutual. Given the chance, I would've moved to another school. But I'm already a senior, and it's too late. I only go to school for education.

It's difficult for me every day. Each morning, I struggle. 80% of me longs for resignation, but why give my school mates the satisfaction? So I go to school and watch the time go by, which moves really SLOWLY.

Eight months to go.. Seems like forever.

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I'm in school right now, believe it or not.

Our Physics teacher made us go to the E-classroom in school to work on our IP topic proposal. Fortunately, I finished ours (by myself) and passed it last Monday so this means free time for me and my group.

My groupmates are all going crazy over Facebook and Tumblr, but I opted to use my time to blog and study a bit for the UPCAT. Later, I'm going to study Geometry and Trigonometry with my tutor. How very productive of me. Haha.

My teacher told me that our topic proposal was by far the best and the most interesting. It's about the different forces, momentum, and gravitational pull in figure skating. He told us to make a video and it's really easy for us because some of my friends are part of the Philippine Team of Ice Skating so.. piece of cake.

The only challenging part is to add arrows and figures in the video, but my seatmate is very techy-savvy so it shouldn't be a problem.

I'm looking forward to our experiment. We are all going ice skating! How cool is that? And the best part is, it will be a total distraction for me.

I've been going through a lot recently, and I feel absolutely lethargic. I just want to focus on my studies, aspirations, goals, and achievements. I don't want to think about problems. I make sure that I keep myself busy.

It freaks me out whenever I don't HAVE ANYTHING TO DO, because my situations engulf me, and I do not like that. I end up crying eventually. Depression sucks.

Anyway, I'm gonna blog some more tonight. My 5 minutes of blogging is up, and it's time to tear myself away from the computer and hit my Science books.

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I am beyond motivated.

As of now, I have one main goal: TO PASS THE UPCAT. Pass or HANG (literally), because my future depends on it.

I realized that I want to go to UP Diliman more than anything. Of course, I would want to pass the ACET and the DLSU-CET too, but my first priority is to get into UP Dili.

I've been reviewing like crazy, trying to remember all the things I have studied three-four years ago. I've never been this determined, and I realized that I HAVE to pass. I would not know what to do if I don't pass.

I've also been trying to balance my school work and review sessions, plus looking at the dictionary once in awhile to discern more unfamiliar words that have a 50% probability of appearing in the UPCAT.

Next week, I'm going to review my Chemistry and all the conversions. I know I can do it. I have to do it. UP is the golden ticket to greener pastures, and I'm competing with 69,000 other people.

What are the odds? No idea.

Lord, please hear my prayers. I'm already going through a lot, in terms of school and the people in it. This is the one thing I ask: help me pass the UPCAT. It's what my heart desires, and I'm also doing my part.

If I do pass the UPCAT or the ACET, I'm going to work dilligently and spend at least one year here. My papers would have been fixed by then, and my dad's citizenship would be transferred unto me. And after one year, I'm off to another country-- for good.

How awesome is that? A fresh start in a place where NO ONE knows me. Finally, a second chance. I'm also preparing for the SAT so I can secure a slot in one of the universities there.

So looking forward to it, and praying HARD for it.

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I am done relying on people.

Why depend on others when you can get things done yourself? Or why put your trust in friendships when people will change and who knows, maybe turn their backs on you?

Burning bridges, back to where I started. I guess it's so much better to distance myself, rather than cling unto people who I'm afraid to lose. What's the point if people eventually get tired of the familiarity?

Why trust those who you think you're close to, when they will eventually do something to hurt you?

Numbness is all I ever wanted, and it makes life so much easier. I'm not afraid to eat alone now, or walk along the halls ALONE. I have to depend on myself and get used to getting everything done without any companions. At least you can get things done faster.

I feel numb, and heartless. Or maybe I just don't care anymore. I have better things to do, like pass the UPCAT, ACET, DLSU-CET, SAT, etc. I plan to work really hard and spend a year in hopefully Ateneo or UP Diliman, then I'm off to America for the universities they have to offer.

Nothing is more pleasant than a FRESH start. And I am looking forward to that. I'm done with all the labeling and gossiping and betrayals life has to offer. I actually don't understand why people can be so freakin shallow. Why do they even gang up on others, and single out the underdogs of this world?

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Last Friday, we didn't have classes due to heavy rain. I swear, nothing could be so much better. I slept in and woke up at 2 in the afternoon. Given the chance, I would go back to sleep and wake up in the evening, but my mom was concerned with my weight so she woke me up to eat.

Afterwards, Joaquin asked if I wanted to watch Harry Potter 6. After a long discussion, me, Joaquin, and Tal were all going to watch Harry Potter in Eastwood. Yay! That day was just so perfect.

I arrived in Eastwood with my mom and aunt first, so we went to fall in line. THE LINE WAS LONG. I don't like waiting (who does?) so I kept bouncing on my toes, really giddy and half anxious, wondering where everyone was, or if we could all make it to the 5pm show since it was fifteen minutes to 5pm.

Finally, we got tickets, good seats, food, and everything else. Joaquin and Tal showed up, and we were off to watch! We tried our best not to set high standards for this movie, knowing that Hollywood probably did not include a lot of parts in the book to keep the movie short.

The movie was not so bad, it was actually funny. I'm not going to go on and on and spoil it. Haha.

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I just realized how much I loathe mornings.

It's been getting cold lately, and snuggled under a warm blanket with a pillow tucked in your arms is just pure nirvana.

Don't you just hate it when you're sleeping peacefully then all of a sudden, you get interrupted by a screeching noise, which happens to be your alarm clock.

I know I do. I've been absolutely lethargic, especially in the mornings. I drag my feet to the shower and to the dining table for breakfast. 80% of me wants to go back to bed and fake sick or something. I miss having the luxury of sleeping in.

During the first two periods in school, I am usually reticent. I don't talk with my seatmates much, because I am on the brink of snoozing. Even if I like the subject, I hardly pay attention because my mind usually wanders.

I'm also moody and cranky most of the time. My best friend noticed that the usual playful flicker in my eyes were gone, and was replaced by sadness or irration. The bubbliness inside me has left, and now it takes huge effort for me to be happy and all.

I find it difficult to mingle too. I'm also pressured because the UPCAT is only 17 days away. I also lost weight. I'm so skinny now, with dark circles beneath my eyes, and I now wear a tired expression.

Just eight more months. Eight months.

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I can't believe it!

I was finally able to finish my ACET application form essay. It wasn't very easy, but I was able to answer it in relation with personal experiences in my life. I am beyond satisified, because that essay was really sincere.

Aside from the essay, I was able to fill out the rest of the college application forms, except for Ateneo's. I still have not decided on which course to take, and I am currently praying about it. I will finish it on Sunday.

Please do pray for me, because Ateneo's a very important school next to UP Diliman. I don't know what course to take, and I hope I do excellent in the UPCAT and ACET.

My day was really productive, because I was able to fill out application forms. I still have to write an essay for UA&P, but that's the least of my worries. That shouldn't be a problem for me.

Being a senior is intricate, but there are many advantages too.

Have a good night, everyone!

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Last Friday, we went to Liza's for her despedida since she's going to America for three weeks. It was supposed to be a surprise, but Joaquin and I arrived two hours late due to heavy traffic and rain.

I had tons of fun with Chan, Joaquin, Kevin, Liza, Tal, and Jake. Too bad the others couldn't make it. I hope that Liza will have a safe trip. I miss her already, and I pray that she makes it to Cornell.

Yesterday, I watched Hannah Montana with my mom. I happen to like Hannah Montana, even though many people detest her. Haha. The movie was just fantastic. I loved the plot and how the script writers wrote it. It was all very realistic, and I learned many values too.

I won't spoil the movie, but one thing I learned is that fame and fortune may come and go, but family and genuine friendship will always remain and will matter the most.

I have been through a lot the past months since school started, and I've been really pressured because the UPCAT is only 19 days away and I badly want to go to UP Diliman.

I cannot have the best of both worlds, and all these problems of mine made me realize that I am incredibly lucky to have people who I can come home to, and people who offer both their shoulders whenever I need a shoulder to cry on.

Despite the trials and pain I've endured, I couldn't be any happier to have two special groups of people locked in the four chambers of my heart: I am blessed enough to call them my family and TRUE friends.



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My mind is blank.

I am not in the mood to answer the essay on the ACET application form.

I do not know how to answer it. I'm not sure about the significant experiences in my life. I don't know how to identify myself as a person.

I'm pressured, because I need to pass this essay along with my application form as soon as possible. And time is ticking away.

I NEED INSPIRATION!

asdfjkl;asfkljgakhgakjglajiownrksnflsnioshjlshgao;bgakthklanga;khgklashakghaksdlhgsagjlksnnio
werewtouhgkahgksahgshgksahgas;ghashgaslhgahgaklghas.ajskfaoiwfijnfksanifakghisahgoahgkas
dskahfahgklahgkhsdgangkasnvklkhaga;gha;ghakhgkahgkadklnaoighiaentajtaghaihgdgi;haiihg;;fa.


Lord help me.

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My moodswings have been extremely consistent. I'm crabby most of the time. It's like I have my monthly visit everyday.

I constantly get irritated over the smallest things, and I often snap at my mom. Both bitterness and anger are brewing in my heart, and I have this negative outlook in life.

I've never been this depressed, or sad, or hurt. I was rarely angry, but now I'm angry all the time. Hatred has been my number one emotion, and I don't suppose it will go away. Maybe 'til I graduate, or until I find the comfort I've been seeking.

The sense of abandonment has engulfed my heart. My heart feels punctured, all my emotions leaking. I wish it would stop leaking. I'm tired of holding back the tears and pain. I wish I could stop lashing out to people, my mom especially. I feel so bad for her, but I can't help myself.

I wish with all my might that I can stay numb throught the remaining 8 months, which seems awfully long.

My heart has been far from the Lord. I wonder if he can still hear me. Why isn't he answering? Maybe it's because I've been close-minded. I need a miracle..

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Today was weird.

So much emotions: Happy, fulfilled, annoyed, exasperated, pressured, confused, and desperate. Too many emotions in one day.

I still haven't made much friends in my section, and I just realized something: I hate it when I have nothing to do. The teachers have been attending so much meetings lately, that they usually give us free time for about an hour or so. I absolutely detest it.

I love it when they leave LONG seatworks to keep us busy, but I hate it when they DON'T leave anything. I haven't made much friends, so I don't know how to use the spare time. Sigh, life is just so unfair.

I just can't seem to relate to anyone.

Eight months to go, and counting....

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I broke down yesterday-- and somehow, it felt amazing. I felt clean after what happened, and I'm partly glad that I was able to release all the feelings I've bottled up inside.

My sister and I had this slight argument over a dress. We were both getting dressed for church, and we both wanted to wear the same outfit. My sister and I share clothes since we have similar sizes. It's both a blessing and nuisance.

We ended up having a MAJOR dispute, which involved kicking, fists, hitting, and nails. I was so angry, that I couldn't think anymore. I didn't have a strategy, so I just let my anger take over.

I guess it wasn't just about the dress-- it was EVERYTHING. All my bitterness, my hatred, my wrath, my unhappiness-- EVERYTHING.

I ended up trashing my sister's room out of spite. Vengeance. I broke her bottles of cologne, crushed her make-up, shattered her mirror, etc. It was absolutely below the belt, and I am not proud of it. But I couldn't help it at the same time. I could not stop. I was just so fed up with all my problems and unanswered prayers.

My sister and I are okay now, and I'm going to pay her back for all the damages. But I was surprised with my response. I don't give in to tauntings and mockings, but I guess I reached the peak. For one thing, I have so much negative emotions inside, and I don't know what to do anymore.

I've been crying out to God, wishing he would take the pain away-- it's simply unbearable. I wonder if he can hear me. Maybe he's listening. But why isn't he answering?

I need a TRUE friend. Someone who will support me no matter what, no matter how much rumors are present. Boy, a girl can wish. It seems highly impossible.

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Yesterday was so much fun! We had no classes, so Tal, Camille, and I decided to go to Ateneo to surprise our friends, especially Joaquin. He was so shocked. His facial expression was just priceless.

We watched them do their CAT and before that, Chan, Cam, Vico, Martin, and I went to the Caf to buy food. We stood near the giant electric fan the whole time, since the sun had not been so kind. But I didn't mind the heat, because the visit was totally worth it.

I saw so much people, and I miss them. It's been so long! We were allowed to go inside section D. Mickey, Neric, and the others were practicing a song. They kept singing it over and over that it got stuck in my head. I was singing it on the way home, wow. Haha.

Chan mentioned that it was their Intramurals Opening. There mascot was Dora the Explorer, and was no other than Vico. We saw the video and we kept laughing so hard. It was just hilarious. Too bad they didn't win, but theirs was the funniest.

I noticed the bond in section D. There's unity in their class, and that's one thing I currently envy. Another thing I wish St. Paul implemented is the block section. I wanted to be classmates with my previous classmates last year, and those were the good ol' days.

Oh well, you can't win them all. Might as well make the most of this year.

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