Today's December 31st, the last day of 2009. In a way, it's peculiar because it's the month of December, yet the weather feels like one of those hot and humid summer days.

I sit here and blog, looking back at my 2009. I remember those various predicaments I had, as well as the painful endeavors I've endured. Throughout those 12 months, I encountered mean school mates, stupid boys, my first A in French, challenging entrance tests, my first foreign fling, and of course, betrayal.

To be honest, I had a terrible year. Majority of the events that occurred were insidious, and those situations left me heartache, trouble, emotional stress, and a few friends. So many tears I've shed, and I didn't have much people to rely on.

It was really difficult for me, because I couldn't trust anyone, and everyday in St. Paul made me feel like I was walking on egg shells. I was dependent on the moods of my peers, and I hate to admit it, but my grades did fluctuate.

For year 2010, I would like a fresh beginning.

I am praying that the Lord would redeem me and vindicate me over my enemies, by granting the noble desires of my heart. I am praying that I would see my name on the Passers List of Ateneo De Manila. I am also praying for my plans in America, that I would get a score of 2000 in the SAT, and impress the following schools: CCM, Brown, Duke, Columbia, Rutgers, and University of Wisconsin. I am also begging the Lord for provisions, and that I would touch the hearts of the members of our district's rotary club for my scholarship application.

More importantly, I am praying that I do make it to Ateneo. I know that God is in control of everything, and I am praying that he will have mercy on me and that he will extend his grace and redeem me. I want Ateneo more than anything.

6 hours and 30 minutes left in this day, and it will soon be 2010. I am requesting for a better year, not necessarily a smooth sailing year, but something better than my lousy 2009. Lord, please hear my pleas, and please grant my heart's desires. I am keeping my fingers crossed, praying with all my might that I make it to Ateneo.

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Lord God, please please have mercy on me and allow me to get into Ateneo De Manila. Results are on Sunday, and I would be really really grateful once I see my name on the list. Please please please vindicate me and give me another chance.

I am also praying for my SAT next year, and that you would give me provisions to go to CCM then hopefully transfer to Brown, Duke, Columbia, Rutgers, or University of Wisconsin after, but most importantly, please allow me to pass Ateneo, my number one school in the Philippines.

Also, please help me win the hearts of the members of the district's Rotary Club so that one of them will be kind enough to sponsor me and take care of all the expenses in America.

These are the desires of my heart, and I lift them up to you. Please do extend your abundant grace and mercy.

Amen.

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I just finished brushing my teeth when my mom knocked on the bathroom door, holding an envelope in her hand. She told me to open it, and I was curious, wondering if the mail had come from the US.

Turns out, it was from the University of Asia and the Pacific, otherwise known as UA&P. It's a school that specializes in business and corporation. Definitely not for me, because I plan to major in Political Science and History.

So anyway, I opened the envelope and retrieved the letter inside. It began with 'Dear Esther Batungbacal. Congratulations!....' so to make the long story short, I passed. I passed! Okay, I know that if I were to study in the Philippines, I'd choose Ateneo. I mean, I am praying for Ateneo. But I am thrilled in a way, because the first result of my CET declared that I passed.

It'd be terrible if the first letter I retrieved said 'FAILED' in big block letters. It's a start. Progress. And UA&P's not so bad. But I'm praying for Ateneo. And CCM. And Rutgers. And Brown.

Lord, please help me pass Ateneo, CCM, Rutgers, and Brown. Thank you for allowing me to pass UA&P. I am grateful, but my heart is not in UA&P. It's in Ateneo or the schools in the East coast of America. Please also give us provisions. Please please please.

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First-- I couldn't get you out of my mind. Now, I can't get you out of my heart. The happiness came and went. Within seconds it passed. I didn't know it was possible to break a promise so fast.

I don't want to hear you say that I will understand someday, I don't wanna hear you say we both have grown in a different way, I don't wanna start over again, I just want my life to be the same, just like it used to be. Some days I hate everything. Everyone and everything.

As I stand here tonight and look up at the huge sky filled with all those stars, and I think of you. I think of the times we were together and I think of the times we looked up at that very same sky. Then I realized how much I miss you. I thought I could get through it, I thought I would be okay. But how can I be? Without you, I stand alone. In this huge world, I stand alone.

And it finally hit me that you didn't care when you walked away-- and never  looked back.

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I've been so temperamental lately. My mood has been so capricious that I constantly have to pause and process the day's drama.

I may have transgressed. I tend to lash out and rant and complain and be so so pessimistic that you'll always encounter my negative side. I don't understand what's wrong with me, or what I'm stressing on, because I'm supposed to be relaxing instead of having this anxious feeling knotted at the pit of my stomach.

I do hate the sporadic rain, and the terrible humid air that makes my hair really frizzy and tangled. I've been breaking out too, so much zits to fuss over. I detest the polluted air. It clings unto my pores like fly paper.

Perhaps I do miss America. I miss the cold weather, and it rarely rains there. It's never humid too, and I don't get much zits either. I miss the people there, and I just wish that I didn't have to live here. I want to go back.

I'm already going to start working for my dad's office, and I do hope that I earn enough money for plane fare and living expenses and college tuition and other school supplies. I am determined to fulfill my plans, because this is my future we're talking about.

I want the best for me, and it's not in the Philippines. It's in America.

Lord, please take me there.

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Yesterday, I went to Eastwood with Liza and we decided to stay in Starbucks.

We talked about our future, and all the solid plans we've made. Our conversation was very propitious, and I got really excited when I found out she kept a planner too! I enjoyed talking to her, because not only do we have so much in common, but we're also very determined and dilligent.

We were able to talk about living expenses, apartments, college opportunities, and the like. I'm glad we got to hang out, because I really liked our conversation. After that, we went to pick up Tal and we all went to Ateneo for their annual Christmas party.

It was so much fun! The food was sooo good, and I relished the camaraderie. We were with the Brotherhood, and I ran into OC too! I miss her, and I wish her happy birthday. She turned 17 yesterday.

After the Christmas party, we all went to Eastwood. I rode with Anton, Bri, Drei, and Liza. It was a long car ride, full of jokes, laughter, and not-so-clean fun. Still, it was an experience. When we got there, we went to Fullybooked! I was so happy, because I do love bookstores, and I plan to work in one.

Being with the Brotherhood makes me feel at ease. I don't need to prove myself. It's like I'm welcome anytime, and there's always expected fun and laughter, and I take pride in being one of them. Who needs other people when you have the coolest true friends in the whole wide world?

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Things I want for Christmas/18th birthday:

1. Laptop (Preferrably Dell or Toshiba. A Macbook is too impossible.)
2. College Funds
3. Funds for NJ
4. Funds for driving lessons
5. God's approval to send me to NJ CCM on or before September.

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A thousand words couldn't bring you back, I know because I've tried. Neither could a thousand tears, I know because I've cried. You left behind a broken heart and happy memories too. But I never wanted memories, I only wanted you.

Somehow the conversation mentioned your name. And someone asked if I knew you. Looking away I thought of all the times we had together; sharing laughter, tears, jokes, and tons more. And then, without explanation you were gone. I looked to where they were waiting for an answer, and then said softly, 'Once, I thought I did'.

Before I met you, I was always considered the strong one, the one who never got hurt; I could do anything and never fall. I felt like I was the epitome of invincibility; of confidence. Now you've come along, you've broken my heart, and you've shaken me from that really strong foundation that I had spent years constructing. I found out more about myself than I ever had before. I found that my foundation wasn't as strong as I thought it was -- I realized that love isn't all it's cracked up to be -- and I found that this time, maybe I won't be able to get back up quite so easily.

I've seen this all before. It's like a reoccurring dream, only with different people. It's the same script with a different cast. The same heartbreak, with a different person causing the pain. Only, I'm still the one ending up heartbroken.

So maybe you were special, and maybe you were supposed to be the one, but then again maybe you were just like the rest of them, only you took my heart with you when you left.

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Physics was deadlyyyy.

Honestly, I had so much blanks and unsure answers. Gosh, I really detest Physics. Or any form of Science. I love Math. English is my forte, and the English exam earlier was really easy, and I enjoyed answering it.

Anyway, I just realized that I have to stop spending! I've been eating nonstop lately, and if I want to go and live in NJ, I should spend less. Arg, so too much temptations.


At least the difficult exams are over. Tomorrow's just Religion, meh. Piece of cake.

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Math was.. normal. Easy yet somewhat difficult. Economics was the bomb. E-A-S-Y, awww yeah!

Tomorrow's exams are English, Research, and Physics. Oh God, Physics.

Lord, please give me strength.

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Filipino was brutal. French was fabulous.

Tomorrow's Math and Economics. Lord, please help me ace the exams. Please allow the questions to be absolutely sucky and easy.

Amen.

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I can't believe it, I finally finished reading El Filibusterismo! It was an interesting story, quite exciting actually. The ending was just pathetic (in my opinion) but at least I'm done with it now.

I'm almost done reviewing for French, and I do hope I do well in my exams tomorrow. I really need to pull up my grades and get a really high average. My future's at stake here.

Anyway, I felt absolutely pleased when my parents told me that they were in favor of 'Operation Independence'. They said that they wanted me to discover the world and what lies beyond the borders of our country.

They said that they were going to open a seperate bank account in Chase, so that it would start growing and that by the time Liza and I arrive in New Jersey, we would be off to a great start. Living expenses are really high, so we would have to work really hard to make ends meet.

It's a challenge, but I'm up for it. I am thrilled that my parents are on my side, because I really need their support and approval. It feels great, because I feel their love, and I know that they want the best for me.

I pray that the Lord allows everything to happen, and that he would give us the funds by next year so I can enroll on time. I can't believe it, this is so exciting!

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Last night, I went to Ateneo to watch a performance of faculty and students called 'Igkas'.

It was very patriotic, and they gave honor to all the Historical events that happened in the Philippines.

But Igkas was obviously not the best part. The Brotherhood and I went to Shakey's to have dinner. It was sooo fun! We played Truth or Dare, Spin the Bottle, and Tic-tac-toe. We were so noisy, and people kept staring, but who cares!

When you're with your friends, it feels awesome. Shared laughter, cracked jokes, and just clean fun. For a moment, I forgot all about.. him. I guess I'm not over him yet. And I think about him all the time. During dinner, I didn't think of him at all. But when the night was over, I was back to my brokenhearted self.

I wonder if I ever cross his mind. 'Cause he's always always in my head.

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It's been 6 months since I last hung out with my old BFFs.

I remember the good old days when we would do everything together. It's so funny because all of a sudden, the past seems like a faded memory.

I used to be affected because they're in the same section, whereas I am in another section far far away. I would feel left out whenever they'd make plans with other people and not include me, or worse, talk about those plans right in front of me.

I guess I've been through a lot, and it's only now that I have recovered. I learned to let go, and whenever I'd see them, I don't really care anymore. I am grateful for that, because I am able to focus on my studies more, and I don't really think about my social life now.

I was able to let go and rise above my pain. It took 6 months for me to heal. I don't really care anymore about grad ball or parties or any forms of socializing. I am thinking about my future, and all the wonderful plans Liza and I have.

Since I am able to concentrate now, I perfected my Physics quiz earlier. My teacher was really surprised that I had complete notes, and that I was able to ace the quiz despite my 1-month absence.

I feel relieved that there's progress in my school life, and that there's still hope for me to be an honor student for the remaining 2 quarters. I thank God for helping me, and for enabling me to focus more.

I believe that he planted these desires in my heart, and that he gives me the strength I need to set my priorities straight. I am hoping to come upon various scholarships that will help me with my college life in New Jersey.

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I accomplished many things today.

I am done studying for both Math and Physics. I understand the topics, and all I need is a bit of polishing and reviewing.

I absolutely have no idea how to study for Filipino (yuck, El Filibusterismo), Research (arg thesis), Economics, and CL. Yes, even CL. I am definitely cramming, and though I hate it, I have to do it.

I wish I didn't have to go back. My mom's friend said that I can enroll in Upland in the middle of the school year. All I have to do is keep up with their pace, which seems fairly easy after learning about their curriculum.

I miss America. Though I was born in the Philippines, I do believe that deep inside, I was never a Filipino to begin with. I feel accepted in the US, and it feels good because I finally found a place where I fit in. I belong.

Here in Manila, it's another story. Too much drama and intrigues. I do hope that God will allow Liza and me to go to New Jersey and live there. It's more convenient if we rent an apartment, 'cause the landowner will set up the electricity and water. Then if something's broken, all you have to do is report it and they'll fix it immediately and all you'll have to do is pay.

It's easier to pay the bills too, because Liza and I can half. Then I was thinking of working in Pep Boys, an auto shop. At least I'll get a good background on cars, and I'll learn how to fix our future car. I can also get discounts on bottles of oil and I can ask help from the people there, who'll be my future friends and co-workers.

Liza plans to work in a bookstore or in Radioshack. Then we will do whatever it takes to get a 4.0 GPA and transfer to Cornell or Rutgers. It's a very big step, and it sounds difficult too. Actually, it sounds extremely impossible.

But then again, nothing is impossible if you believe in yourself, and if you lift your burdens to God.

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I stood along the familiar halls in my same old uniform, carrying my heavy bookbag and lunchbox, taking everything in.

I'm back in St. Paul, and I was really surprised because when I entered the classroom, my adviser hugged me and everyone started clapping and cheering. They even sang me a short song, and it was really sweet of them.

I guess I missed everyone, including my closest friends. Of course, there're disadvantages. I was away for a month, and I have a lot of catching up to do.

I was immediately bombarded with worksheets, homework, extra-credit materials, and other school work to compensate for my grade. I was so busy running after teachers and cramming for upcoming quizzes that I barely even had time for myself!

I didn't have time to eat, and I didn't even have time to go to the bathroom! Gosh, I feel the adrenaline. I feel the stress. And the pressure. Exams are next week, so I really have to work hard and concentrate, otherwise my grades would fluctuate.

I'm getting a TIN number next week, so I can start saving up for CCM. I'm really psyched because Liza and I have plans of spending 1-2 years in CCM (NJ) then work hard for a 4.0 GPA then transfer to Cornell or Rutgers. We're going to rent an apartment and save up for a car and everything. It's easier if you lived with a friend, because you get to half the bills.

I hope everything works out well, and I believe that this is the most mature decision I've ever made.

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It's been 2 weeks since I last saw Rich Finland.

I pretty much broke his heart when I left New Jersey. He told me he was absolutely crushed and hurt because he thought that I would stay with him.

We didn't talk after I said goodbye. I spent my last week in America without talking to him, and I guess I felt sad because I really liked him, but sometimes life is just too good to be true.

I enjoyed being with him and talking about things. We talked about how ridiculous people can be with their evil attitudes and stuff. Our conversations were mostly constructive, and sometimes we would just keep quiet and sit in the car and watch the sky (his car has a sun roof).

Those silences were comfortable and not awkward. We didn't need words, and those quiet moments felt great. And when I said goodbye, I guess I really hurt him. He didn't want to talk to me after that.

But he and I were able to talk during my last night in America, when I was back in California. He admitted that he was mad, because he wanted me to stay there forever. But then he also said that he understood things better, and even if it hurts, he just had to let me go because we are two worlds apart.

He did tell me that he'll always remember me, and that he would wait for me, even if it took forever. Now that part was really sweet, but come on, he's a guy. I have to draw the line somewhere. Even if he 'promised', I have to be realistic about things. Because like I said, life is too good to be true.

I'm sure he'll eventually find someone else, someone who lives in the same world as his. And I'll just be a girl he met and admired from afar.

I know it hurts, but I have to accept it. Though truth is hard to swallow, it will set you free.

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I woke up this morning feeling sad and surprisingly homesick for America.

I had a lovely dream. I dreamt that I was still in West Covina, eating a bowl of Lucky Charms on the kitchen table, 'til my mom woke me up.

It's sad because I'm now back in Manila, and I honestly have nothing to look forward to here. I'm not excited to go back to school on Monday, because I will obviously be bombarded by a billion worksheets and quizzes and homework.

I finished my Math worksheet though, and I was able to study Physics, read a bit on El Filibusterismo (sucky book), and finish Macbeth (another sucky book). I don't feel very determined with my senior year anymore.

But I am looking forward to my college plans, which I would like to call 'Operation Independence'. I plan to study in the East and live in an apartment with Liza.

You may think that the idea is silly, or I'm just blogging bullcrap here, but I got it all figured out. And I believe that this is the most mature decision I've ever thought of, with thorough planning and details.

I already started saving up, and I'm going to apply for a TIN number so I can start working part time and save up.

For now, I'll keep everyone posted, and I'll need prayers and a bit of financial support.

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So I'm back. My plane landed in Manila at approximately 5:46 AM and I'm not exactly thrilled to be here.

First, the weather is absolutely terrible. I got used to the cool climate in America, and I'm not so sure if I'm ready to sweat.

Second, I got so used to crossing the street easily, that I almost forgot what a major pain most Filipino drivers can be. I got honked at when I was crossing one of the airport driveways.

As we rode in the car, I simply stared out the window, trying to remember what I used to love so much about the Philippines. The pollution? Over population? The weather? All the garbage? The Pasig River?

I miss the US terribly. I miss the fresh air, the courteous people, the safe environment, and of course, the climate. It's like I'm back to where I began, like I'm stuck in this black hole, and there's simply no way out.

I feel like I'm stranded in a dry valley, and the greener pastures are too far to reach. But I won't give up, even if I feel like I already hit rock-bottom. I will study hard, save up, and get a Philippine SSN so I can work part time. This operation requires focus and dilligence. I cannot get distracted, so I have to do my best, even if it leads to shutting down my social life.

Going to college in the East coast of the US is very crucial to me, and I am really dead serious about it. It's about time I did something ambitious, and I belive it's about time I got serious with my goals. There's a way out, and I will do whatever it takes.

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My suitcases are all padlocked, and as I look around my room one last time, I just realized that time flew by so quickly. From an immigrant, I am now an American citizen. Yes, my US passport was issued last Monday. I do get to keep my Green Card and my Philippine passport too, but with my US passport, I can go in and out without having to apply for a visa. I'm a citizen, and I am proud to be one.

I can't believe that during my first few weeks, I kept ranting on how homesick I was. Turns out, I wasn't. I really do love it here in America, and it's because of the system here.

I can now EASILY relate to people, and feel free to speak in perfect English. I remember the times when I would speak English in the Philippines, and most of my school mates would think negatively and ask, "Bakit ganyan ka magsalita?". Here in America, you can be whoever you want to be.

The world is yours to take, and you can achieve your aspirations without having people look down on you, since they believe in equality and justice.

I enjoyed my stay here, because most of my 2nd cousins are here. They're all boys, and I'm the only girl, so it's like having 7 older brothers who'll gladly teach you football and invite you to hang out with them, despite the huge age difference. I will miss them all, and I never got the chance to experience the whole cousin-bonding thing-- 'til now. And it was great.

I will also miss New Jersey. I will miss the Conti family, and Rich Finland. I learned so much from them, and they showed me how beautiful it was in the East coast, which makes me really want to reside there.

I am not ready to go home, and when I board that plane, it will be with a heavy heart. So much school work that I've neglected, I must now face. I am not looking forward to the pollution and the terrible weather in the Philippines, and the thought itself just saddens me. I need a miracle, and I hope that God brings me back here in time for Freshman year in College.

For now, goodbye to all the beautiful scenery. Goodbye to the insane 9.75 tax rate in California. Goodbye to the rights to cross the street without cars honking at you. Goodbye to the American hospitality.

This is my last goodbye, Mi Ultimo Adios.

God bless America; the greener pastures, my home.

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DISCLAIMER: Again, this is my blog. I have every right to say what I want, due to the freedom of speech and protest we're entitled to. Most of the contents here are based on CNN and other sources of facts.

To begin. What in the world has gotten into the United States?

America's economy is in grave danger, thanks to the reckless decision-making of President Obama.

He's been spending billions of dollars on certain liberal programs which aren't even substantial. He should focus on more important things, like how to SAVE America from bankruptcy.

Obama visited China to purchase some programs, and here's how the conversation went:
Chinese: How will you pay for these programs? You already owe China Trillions of dollars.
Obama: Oh, we will pay for it don't worry.
Chinese: HOW?
*Silence.*

Wow, great move. Buying programs when there're other things to focus on. California is already bankrupt, and people are starting to send out their IOUs. Statistics confirmed that New York will be bankrupt by Christmas, thanks to the frivolous lifestyle of the people citizens.

Bottom line? America's in great debt. What is Obama doing about it? I know that he's intelligent and intellectual, and that people really really wanted him to be president, but think about it. Was it an excellent choice, when he might lead the US to its downfall?

Come on people, we have to think long-term here. We can't just play now and pay later, nooo. We have to really reflect and accept the gravity of our consequences. What America needs now is a good leader who would revive the country for the greater good. The president should start doing something about it, and STOP spending. Start saving, and come up with ways on how to pay back the credit card bills.

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We've known each other since we were kids, and despite the fact that I am 3 years older than you, we still managed to get along-- well at least most of the time, LOL.

I still remember those days when I would always ALWAYS go to your house and we would keep frying about a dozen eggs, 'cause those are the only things we knew how to cook. I also remember our crazy Amanda Bynes obssession, and we would listen to the teeny-bopper bands, like A-list or Westlife.

Ah, good times. But we also had our disagreements too. Like all bffs, we can't help but let our selfish nature get in the way. I remember some of the mean things I did to you, like humiliate you when we took badminton lessons together, or change your PW out of spite. I can't help but feel really sorry for that, 'til now. Then again, we were kids. Young, naive, immature, and maybe sometimes stubborn.

Then you moved to New Jersey. To be honest, I felt EXTREMELY sad because my best friend was gone. Yes, I considered you my best friend, and it took me a few years to get over it. I had to swallow the fact that you were no longer in Manila. No more eggs. No more Janelle.

We stopped talking for 5 years, until a miracle happened: I finally got to see you! Honestly, when I first saw you, I didn't know whether to run and hug you, or to just act casual and wave. I was trapped, because it's been 5 years! Who knows what happened during those years.

I guess it just felt awkward for me, because the distance did affect everything. I didn't know how to reach out to you, because I felt like I didn't know you anymore. Hence, the reason why I didn't talk to you much during my stay in New Jersey. I didn't even get to say goodbye properly, which I totally regret.

I'm sorry for not talking to you much, or for not watching New Moon with you. I know that watching that movie was really really important to you, but I thought you were mad at me or something. But I did enjoy the time we spent in Dollar Tree and Five Guys. You taught me a lot, and I know I had fun.

I'm sorry if my mom kinda embarrassed you with the picture-taking thing. I know it's REALLY embarrassing whenever our parents would act like tourists, but I guess that's what happens when they get too excited over things.

I do regret not spending time with you completely, because I really REALLY did miss you. I just didn't know what to say, because we come from different worlds now. I guess because of my self-conscious attitude, I may have hurt your parents in a way, and I am really sorry for that.

I'm also greatly sorry for giving you and your family a fright, when you guys found out that I got lost and was already on the other side of town. Hope I didn't get you in trouble or anything.

But I would also like to thank you for letting me sleep in your room, and for lending me your brown sunglasses, and for introducing me to your friends from Jacksonville, and for just being an excellent hostess.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to say goodbye. I didn't know whether to wake you up or not. When I called you earlier, I was surprised by how our conversation went. It's like someone ignited the candle we shared--we're still connected in a way. I don't know if you felt it, but I know I did.

You were my best friend in the Philippines, and I hope that we can be BFFs again, even if we come from different worlds. Let me close with a favorite quote of mine from Gossip Girl.

"Shoulder pats may come and go, but a BFF is forever. Because even if you're not sure where you're headed, it helps to know you're not going alone. No one has all the answers and sometimes the best we can do is just apologize and let the past be the past. Other times, we need to look to the future and know that even if we think we've seen it all, life can still surprise us, and we can still surprise ourselves."

I hope to see you soon. I'm sorry, I miss you, thank you, and ILY.




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