I wish I wasn't a Filipino to begin with.
I wish I could live in America forever.
I wish we were wealthy, so studying in an Ivy League wouldn't be a problem.
I wish I could reside in the East coast, preferrably New Jersey.
I wish I had these ambitions at a younger age, so I could've done something about them.
I wish I didn't give in to peer pressure, and instead worked dilligently to pull up my 1st-4th year grades and be part of the honor roll.
I wish I mapped out my goals earlier in life so I wouldn't have regrets, and I'll probably have good recommendations for the Ivy Leagues here.
I wish I didn't have to go back to Manila.
I wish I had one true friend whom I could count on.
I wish I started saving up at the age I got my allowance, so I would have enough money to pay for living expenses here-- all by myself.
I wish I knew how to drive.
I wish I were smarter and really intelligent, that way I can obtain full scholarship in the good universities here.
I wish I had thought of all these things earlier in life, so I could've planned everything and save up every peso I got and studied really hard and had tons of extra-curriculars for a US university scholarship.

I wish I knew better....

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Today's the 26th of November, and it's my first time to celebrate Thanksgiving. The pilgrims never visited the Philippines, so we don't have that there.

Anyway, I had my first turkey dinner ever, with mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberries, and pumpkin pie. We also went to church, and Pastor Gene gave us the chance to reflect on the things we are thankful for.

Personally, I'm thankful to God because he allowed me to come here. Despite the fact that I was homesick, I am still grateful because the Lord gave me the privilege to become an American Citizen instantly, the privilege that others cannot have.

Because of the prayers and my dad's citizenship, I am no longer an immigrant, but a blue passport owner. God opened my eyes and I realized that I do not want to return to the Philippines. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I really do want to live here.

The people here are extremely accommodating, and rights are respected. Pedestrians can cross the streets without crazy drivers honking their cars. Rules are followed, and the food is just great. The schools are absolutely stellar.

(With Jan in Central Park, by the Hudson River, NY, in Princeton with Mom & Dad)

More importantly, I made new friends. Remember that blue-eyed dreamboat? He and I got to know each other, and we were able to spend time together too, even if it was only for four days. His name is Richard "Rich" Finland, and he was able to take me to the mall and invite me to dinner with his parents, such wonderful people.

(With Rich Finland aka blue-eyed dreamboat & Family)

I will definitely miss him, because I learned so much about him in just a span of 4 days. Turns out, he was bullied all his life, which is hard to believe because he's such a good-looking person. I guess he did not meet the standards of 'clique-tatorship'. I told him about my experience with the mean girls in school, and hopefully I was able to encourage him, even just a bit.

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So today's a Sunday. We went to church and had lunch in Applebee's.

The food was sooo delicious. We had steak, pasta, and this spinach dip with nachos and potatoes. I already gained 4 pounds, so I need to gain 8 more. I just want to get fat.

So anyway, the day went on and my aunt decided to stop at the Dollar Tree to purchase some detergent and laundry liquid. So from the name itself, everything they sell at the Dollar Tree is worth a dollar.

I went around, and I was absolutely bored to death, until.. I saw the dude working by the counter. He's about my age, or maybe a year older. I went closer to check him out, and he was soooo cute! He had an awesome built, that relaxed swagger, and I realized that he had these amazing navy eyes. They were so blue. Okay not navy, maybe sapphire-ish. WHAT A DREAMBOAT!

My heart literally skipped a beat, and he looked at me and smiled. He SMILED! At me! I was doing this stupid happy dance in my head. So I immediately bought a bag of Red Hot Cinnamon-flavored candy and Big Red gum. I got two dollars out of my purse and proceeded to the counter.

Dreamboat: Will that be all?
Me: Mhmm, that'll be all. (Stupid answer! Should've just said 'mhmm')
Dreamboat: Okay.. *Punches a few buttons* That'll be $2:14
Me: Oh right, I forgot you had tax. (Another stupid answer.) *Digs in my purse to look for loose change.
*Silence. Dreamboat looks at me curiously as I tried to figure out the coins.*
Me: Sorry, it's not that easy to distinguish the coins since we just moved here.
Dreamboat: Oh yeah? Where're you from?
Me: I'm from the Philippines. *Hands him a quarter* I think that's about right, 25 cents.
Dreamboat: Oh really? That's cool. How long did it take for you to get here?
Me: Took my plane 12 hours.
Dreamboat: *Hands me the change* Wow. Well, thanks for shopping here. Good luck. *Looks deep into my eyes*
Me: Thanks. You too. *Stares back*

His eyes were just INTENSE! Dreamy dreamy dreamy! I wish he knew my name, or I wish he got my number. Gah. I don't normally find people hot, but this one's just.. EHMA-HOTT!

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We flew from California to Detroit, then from Detroit, we flew to New York.

New York is a beautiful place. It is a very busy city with so much people, but you can sense the excitement and the energy. We drove around Manhattan, and it was very traffic. I caught a glimpse of 5th Avenue, Park Avenue, and Madison Avenue.

I was able to see the yanks put up the tallest Christmas tree in Times Square. The only problem with New York is that it isn't safe. There are so much homeless people around, and it's nothing compared to California.

Still, I am grateful to have seen New York. I am currently in New Jersey, living with my childhood bff. Our reunion was an awkward moment, but we're doing okay now. Hopefully, we won't run out of things to say, since it's been 5 years since.

I am going to visit Princeton, NYU, and maybe Columbia, and I'll be uploading pictures here soon. I can hardly wait, and I have plans of raiding the campus stores to buy school hoodies and notebooks.

After that, we're going back to New York to explore.

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A traitor is someone who knows your heart and has ripped into that heart and ripped out that heart by exposing and exploiting your vulnerabilities.

Why do people betray us?

That's an interesting question, because I've always wondered why people can be so astringent. I have friends whom I confide in, but there's this one particular friend who has hurt me terribly. It was unexpected, because that someone knew what I was going through all along.

It's not simply because I was double-crossed. Rather, that person has taken special information and used it to harm me.

I'm not going to drop any names, or even mention if that person's a he or a she. It would be impartial, and I'm just releasing what I'm feeling deep down.

So back to the question. Why do people betray others? Humans are all alike. They may differ physically, but the thing is, we all have emotions. Vehemence. Feelings. Whatever you would like to call it.

We all have experienced heartache, sadness, anger, and all the other sentiments. If we ourselves have experienced betrayal, why do we pass it unto others? We are not perfect, and that's a given, but we shouldn't pay forward our transgressions.

A friend will confide in a friend, because he or she needs someone who can understand, and not necessarily take sides or anything, but just to listen. After all, that's why we're humans. We're people. We communicate and relate. No man is an island. But what's really painful is when you swallow your pride and take risks by divulging information, and in the end you get stabbed in the back.

Some people refer to it as testing, but I for one believe that it's mean. You shouldn't fool around with a sensitive person, and you definitely should not toy with that person's state of mind.

My title for this entry is a latin sentence. It means 'you too, Brutus?' by Julius Caesar. He said it to Brutus during his last hours, after finding out that it was Brutus who conspired with Cassius against Caesar. Brutus stabbed him in the back, literally.

So I would like to ask that friend of mine why he/she betrayed me like that, saying that he/she was just "testing" me, when it didn't seem like a test. Why would he/she test my trust to begin with, it just seems illogical. Especially now that I'm really agitated.

You know who you are. So, my friend, if you really are my friend, Eh tu Brute?

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It all began in Downtown LA, after going to the USCIS to fix my papers and documents. My parents and I had brunch at the food court in the LA mall, and they ordered chinese food. Of course, there were 2 fortune cookies and I took the liberty of opening them up.

I opened the first one, and it said: "You outdistance your competitors." The second one stated: "You are gifted in many ways." Both fortunes were encouraging and motivating, and I felt supported in a way. It seemed that God answered my prayers through those fortune cookies.

The day went sane, and I guess I am grateful. I went to Kim Parker's house, and I bonded with Tracy, Audrey, Lisa, Britney, and Becca. We pigged out on Ice Cream and cookies and just had a heated discussion on life.

I know, you'd probably think it's an insipid subject, but I really loved it. You see, the difference with Americans and Filipinos is that with Americans, you can talk to them about ANYTHING, and they wouldn't judge you or go all legalistic and act like a bunch of pharisees.

With Filipinos, it's strangely different. You have to be extremely vigilant with what you say because Filipinos take things personally, and most of them (especially girls) are not trustworthy. They will judge you immediately, from your appearance to your accent.

I enjoy being with my new friends now, because they try their best to understand and relate to your personal life. It's obvious that they don't have vested interests, and they'll just let you be, unlike other people who'll backstab you to the bone, probably due to jealousy and insecurity.

Just imagine if we were like White people, with an other-centered attitude. We can make a big difference to our society, because we are more careful with what we say and how we manage ourselves. If we were like them, we would be more apprehensive with other people's feelings, and we would make sure to abide in the government rules for the betterment of our country.

I'm not going to go all political here, but just conceptualize the possibilities that could happen if we changed our hearts for the greater good. There's bound to be a revival, and the hope that many people have been seeking will be found.

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My 10th night in America.

Today's Monday, and my day was pretty bromidic. I woke up at 5am to talk to a few people online and to check my email. After that, I had breakfast with my mom, and came running to the bathroom, realizing that I'm lactose intolerant.

My bathroom moments began when I started eating cereal and cream cheese sandwiches for breakfast. It also occurred when I had about two scoops of ice cream. I was appalled, because I really love dairy.

After that, I had a migraine for the entire afternoon. I already took painkillers, but it didn't take effect. I was shopping with my mom when my head began to pound, and perhaps it was because of the scorching California heat. The pain was terrible, and I felt nauseous as well. I wanted to puke my guts out.

I requested to go home immediately so I could lie down and stay within distance of a clean toilet for further barfing emergencies. But when we got home, there was a surprise waiting in the mailbox.

MY GREEN CARD FINALLY ARRIVED! For those who don't know what it is, a Green Card is a card (it's actually white and not green) that states that you're a full-fledged permanent resident of America, and with that card, you can enter in and out of the US and apply for job and gives you the authority to apply for an US Social Security Number.

I applied for my Social Security Number and for a California ID, but both offices said that I needed that Green Card first. It's really that exigent, and a weight has been lifted. My parents have been praying in anguish, and finally there's relief in our midst. Praise the Lord!

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My 7th night in California, and today's my first Friday here.

I don't know why, but I've been so tired lately. The fact that my parents wake me up at 6am in the morning annoys me. I'm really jetlagged, and I haven't had enough sleep, and they force me to wake up at the uncivilized hour of 6 by knocking incessantly on my door.

I'm pretty bored too. To be honest, I'm tired of living with my parents. They force me to do things I don't really like, such as joining a small group in church. Why can't they understand that it's hard for me to relate to white people? Why do they even force me? It's as if I don't have the right to anything.

Whenever we would go out to eat, my dad's in his usual cheap mode. What's new. He expects us to buy the cheapest meal on the menu. A perfect example of that is the Dollar Burger in Burger King. We've been eating that for 3 days now, and it's just sickening. Imagine eating the same thing over and over again. It annoys me to the bone.

Also, I really hate it when the sun shines. My nose is already sunburnt, and I wouldn't want to get dark. The sun here is just awful; blaring and hot. It clashes with the cool weather, and I wish it would just disappear.

I want to go home. Will someone please hijack a jet and pick me up?

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Heyyy Liza! I wish I could greet you in person, but it'd take a great miracle for that to happen.















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This entry's probably due to my being homesick. And also because I'm PMS-ing.

First of, I am annoyed to the bone. Life's just so unfair. I can't find a decent secondhand Sidekick around here, and if it weren't for the fact that T-mobile has stopped manufacturing Sidekicks until next year, I wouldn't even be wasting my time in secondhand stores or Ebay for that matter.

Secondly, I came to America to eat American food, NOT Filipino food! I arrive here, and what do my parents make me eat? Rice, Sinigang, Beef Steak, etc. What's the point of having Taco Bell or A&W near your area if you're just going to drive all the way to Covina for Adobo?

Third, I am in great pain. I have my period, and I feel awful. My lower abdomen hurts like hell, and my painkillers aren't effective. I've been bleeding like crazy, and I feel so disgusted. I feel nauseous too, and I'm not that hungry. I spent the whole day writhing in pain.

Fourth, I just want to go home. Maybe coming here was a bad idea. I miss all my friends back home. I miss my classmates. I miss Joaquin. I hate the fact that I barely know anyone here. Bottom line: My life sucks.

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My 4th night in America.

The day flew by fast, and I suppose it's because I spent most of the hours sleeping. I'm still jetlagged, and I slept until 5 in the afternoon. I only woke up for breakfast and lunch, and I staggered back to my room, scrambled on the bed, and fell into a deep sleep.

I even dreamed a bit, but I can't remember much.

I went out with some people from church for dinner. We went to Legends. It's my first time to actually hang out with pure Americans. Though I am the youngest in the group, I can't help but feel amazed on how Americans treat others. They treat people equally, no discrimination. They spoke to me as if I was their age.

One of them was really friendly. Her name's Lisa Walker, and she said that she loved Filipinos because she grew up with most of them. She could say a few words in Filipino, such as 'Mabuhay' and 'Ako si Lisa'. How cute! And she loved to ask all sorts of questions.

I felt timid at first, because I believe I'm an introvert, and it takes huge effort for me to be able to socialize and push aside my insecurities. I have to admit, I'm worn out. I did my best-- performance-level actually. I really think I could be an actress. I'm not that talkative or sociable, but I could be one if I push myself. It's just like role-playing.

After dinner, I decided to hang around a bit. For an added treat, I ordered a Double-Strawberry Ice Cream cone. It was sooooo good! Soft, cold, sweet, and creamy.

I'm still homesick, but I'm getting used to California. My accent's pretty good too. I just have to push a few more buttons then I can pass off as an American.

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Would you rather: A) Live in another country without your friends and loved ones, or B) Stay in your homeland and be surrounded by the people you love?

My 3rd night in America, and I'm exhausted. We went to a lot of places today. First, we registered to get a California ID. Unfortunately, a social security number was required before you can attain a California card.

So we rushed to the office to apply for one. Not much luck there either. I needed my Green Card first. Consequently, we went to the post office to apply for a blue passport. Turns out, I needed my Green Card too. So we inquired some more, and we're going to Rosemead(sp?) tomorrow to settle everything.

We had lunch in Norms, and the food was absolutely decadent. After that, we took my dad to work, and my mom and I went shopping. I was able to buy a few things, but I'm still contemplating on whether to save all my money to buy a Sidekick or an iPhone, or to just spend frivolously on clothes, makeup, and miscellaneous.

After shopping, we fetched my dad and went to Albertson's to do some grocery shopping. I was so tired from walking, and the afternoon heat was terrible. I'm already sunburned from the blarring sun, and in a span of 4 days, I'd probably be tan. The color of my hair got lighter too; instead of the dull brown, it became golden brown.

To be honest, I can't stop thinking about Manila. I miss my siblings and my friends (Brotherhood, M-Girls, 4-8) and I am just homesick. I'd rather be with the people I love, than give them up to go to another country. I therefore choose option B.

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I went shopping earlier. I bought a new sweater with a matching plaid scarf. I'm hoping to buy a Sidekick Orchid LX or a white iPhone.

I also went to church in Glendora. Honestly, I felt really out of place. The kids my age seem older, and they know each other well so I don't know how to assert myself.

My 2nd night in LA. I was hoping for some improvement, but apparently I'm still homesick. I can't seem to interact properly, because I feel really obscure and lonely. I want to go home. I don't know anyone, and I am not enjoying myself.

I indulged myself in comfort food. I had a pint of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. I also had a few pieces of chocolate Truffles and washed it down with a glass of Vanilla Almond milk. So far, it has not helped. I miss my friends back home, Joaquin most especially. I am hoping to gain 10 pounds though.

I emailed Liza earlier, and I told her how homesick I was. I'm having a difficult time adjusting, and I'm just not so used to the American culture. I'm going to Upland High School in a few days, and I hope that I can gain my confidence and just blend in. I don't know how though. Americans are so outspoken and frank, whereas I'm reserved and conservative.

Right now, I'm wearing my coziest hoodie and pajama bottoms. I need comfort asap. I honestly want to go home...

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I left for California yesterday night at around 11pm.

When I first entered the Philippine airport, I was already in good hands because my Tito Mon was a former employee of PAL so he had access to many things. He gave me the privilege to stay in the Mabuhay Lounge, the waiting area for Business class and First class passengers only.

I travelled alone. Throughout the whole flight, I was able to relax. I had my iPod and a really good book to keep me entertained. The food was good too. They served dinner and breakfast.

I am now here in California. I had dinner in the house of my half-uncle. I already met my half-cousins: Faye, 18, and Eunice, 17. They are very accommodating, and I am looking forward to being with them again.

We're staying in West Covina, and I have my own room and bathroom. I'm really jet-lagged, and I can't help but feel a bit lonely. I don't know anyone here, and it's really quiet. I'm slightly homesick too, but I keep reminding myself that this is my home now.

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